Fears on my Sleeve

 I wear my fears under my make up

(its where its not often on my face)

I wear my pain with my heels

(because i command attention and feel beautiful)

I am like many girls my age,

while some prefer to cry their pain out and drink their fears,

I prefer to write out my pain, knee mail my fears and Dance my frustration and depression.

I fear the distance i have to walk its why i prefer to fly.

I fear to be delayed.

(actually i refuse to be delayed cz am not a child of terah)

I fear delay of my dreams, delay of my desires

I fear giving up, I fear holding on,

I fear waking up tomorow know yesterdays dream wasnt accomplished in its time.

(yes because it slows me down)
It frustrates me

I fear getting married old because i want to be young and vibrant when it happens

I fear i wont be able to stay 50yrs in marriage

Coz i fear outgrowing each other, i fear failure.

I fear being desperate because it makes me it cake faster than my heart pumps blood

I fear my STRENGTH AND PATIENCE

(do not open yo eyes)

Its a virtue but i fear the day i shall wake up and i cannot be strong no more and my patience was taken for granted

I fear that i shall not build my teenage dreams in time enough to be inspired by them.

U all inspire me mayb just like i inspire u

but deep inside me lies a little girl with fears
who has only known one way to survive is have faith, pray and keep hope.

I fear not being able to get all my dreams together within my time.
And oh! this thing disturbs me, confuses me and fustrates me

I fear not being able to bring up my children like i dream

i fear i fear i fear.

The only thing i dont fear is thinking that God is by my side.

I fear not being understood.

I fear not being appreciated.

I fear losing love

I fear that the day i wont be able to find a pen, a pc or notebook to write will be the end of me

I fear the day my strength will fail me i LOATHE the day i will crash

I don’t think i shall be able to get up from it yet if i do i won’t be the same

I woke up with all these fears today

and i just realized how scared the little girl in me is,

She has grown into a coward

 I fear i fear i fear.

 

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Maneuver

Unsaid Feelings

I stare out in the blankness,
My soul a hollow travesty.
No remedy.
No anchor.

I hang onto none but the words.
Of sonnets before my time.
Savor them all.
Rousing the belly of my mind.
I hold on.

This fight so tedious,
My body almost gives way.
My mind the fighter.
My soul the damsel in distress.
I hope to maneuver.

© 2015 joshagaba.wordpress.com

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TORN

I feel like I have heard her voice in your laughter

I start to wonder if I ever truly existed

even when loving you was the only thing I knew well to do

It only got me wounds after I ripped every last bit of you from my heart.

I do not even know if you ever existed because

Day to day I stood alone like an electric pole awaiting wiring

I was single yet married I didn’t even have a trace of a wedding ring on my finger

A twin yet an only child

not even a scar to remind me I was a Siamese twin maybe

every memory of you remained invisible

right from when we fell in love,

I was torn.

Its then that everything ceased to make sense

and my small world stood still.

I had the sky lay over me like thousands of men.

I was robbed, floored and torn.

#APoemAday

Exactly 31

Dear L,

Did you know I wasn’t her, that I was still wounded and was in a relationship with pain? That you wore patience like a silhouette and left the rest to fate and You wore courage of a hunter patiently waiting for me to come through

i was just another girl who didn’t necessarily write down on a piece of paper qualities of my Hosea, but instead wrote down qualities of the kind of woman I desired to be and memorized the man I wanted to have.    So daily I went down on my knees to pray for that man. I fought with my fears but like the prosititute that washed God’s feet.  But when you came, you discovered me and defined me. I wasn’t yet the woman I had planned to be for my Hosea but when you came, in you I saw the man preached in 1 Timothy 1:5 my spirit wasn’t at rest because 31 to be exact in me was lagging. I tried to be Hannah but I can’t deny that sometime the Delilah in me was so awake that she waved me off my path.

thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for accepting to age with me. I wouldn’t have lived to see my Esther grow to be 31exact.

letters

Dear L,

When i first saw you, you bore the innocence of Kate, the wit of Sera and the allore of Alex. I stayed up every night wishing you would call and slowly sleep would carry me away even before i went down on my knees to say a little prayer. I staggered up late nights just to check if just maybe i had missed your call but my heart would sink each time and thats when i would remember to thank God for keeping me alive. Slowly i would slip back to my world of fantacies and wait for the morning to break. I learnt to leave on my own even when the attraction i had towards you turned me into a coward. I learnt to walk alone even when it was hard to let go of the spoiling you gave me.  I held unto every little memories i had knowing you wouldnt come back soon, i grew up.Everyday i felt like i walked into the Realm of heaven knowing i have you by my side daily.

Now that i know you, my bones are with fire, my heart feels like a slippery glass. I am afraid to say i cant make meaning of my life anymore yet i refuse to give away myself esteem. My pride soars so high to let anyone crush it.  Do not hold my heart in your palms for long if you will not be able to hold t for long. I pray you return it before you crush it. Do not hold it till it breaks becasue once a glass breaks reparing it will never make it look as good as the old verson but a new will give it a better look. when the time simply give me room to get a better handler.  Do not hold it carelessly either, take care of it like it were your own and whenever you tired.

Remember its a heart not a ball. I am human not a drum. I love to dance but i am no dancer so i might not necessarily follow your bits if i can make mine. Now that we have Known each other,  may you have the selflessness of Joseph, the patience of Hannah and the Honesty of Moses.

LETTERS TO MY P**** Pt 26/27

For all the selfishness i am sorry.

For the pain I caused you, I apologise.

For the risks I put you through,

Am sorry please never let me down as I did

Sometimes I think you’re not warm enough

Or you have run dry due to the rubbers

But please do not let me down on my wedding night

It will be the greatest shame of my life.

My husband will look at me with a lot of spite

Maybe divorce me after our honeymoon

Or keep me and get side dishes

I don’t want to be a laughing stock amongst my flocks

Nor have my womb deny me at the time I need it

Yes, abandon me,failure to conceive

Just because of all my mistakes and selfishness

I promise to be very selfless.

 

Do you promise to stay true to one penis

Hold me in high esteem,

Respect me and the womb,

Only use me for what is right and no medication?

 

I will love and adore you

Like a virgin African belle I will protect you

Just that you keep betraying me

Even when I have promised to keep my legs crossed

You keep itching and screaming out how much you want

 

Stop making it look like am the problem here

Am only apart of you

You carried me there if you have forgotten.

How was I supposed to get over the urge?

Or to look on, as you two made out

And his prick was hard and rubbing against me under his pants

And stop lying about resistance

Its not like when you put fire next to ghee it stays solid.

 

One wrong word, one silent spell (12/9/14)

this is deep

Ordinary Girl Seeks Extraordinary Possibilities

If I told you the things that I actually feel,

would I be left behind?

Would telling you only serve to remind

me of all the times my wayward words

have left me walking alone?

Would my flaws, my secrets, my struggles

build up mountains so tall you can’t ignore them-

or would you only ignore them,

would you only pacify me like I am a child, a lost lamb,

a fool ripe for your pitying?

Equal, such a funny notion

but I want this to be equal,

I want us to be equals,

I don’t want to be the only one who falls apart.

And I’m tired of being in the dark.

Tired of feeling like you’re hiding so many parts of yourself

and saving them for someone else,

and I know I try not to hurt you,

am trying to promise I’ll never desert you

but you make…

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