letters

Hi S

Sometimes I wonder if you are here because you act so.

But then I realise that our love died long ago that the ashes have cooled.

There is no more us?

Maybe there was never…

Just something faked that refused to get real because you kept being the negative one in the equation.

I continue to get lost in my ink and poetry because that’s who i really was from the begining.

You were too blinded to even see how much i loved white because you were too focused on the mirage of becoming a better you without me,

Do you even realise how much time has passed?

How much i hurt?

You couldn’t even hear the noise in my silence because traffic on your side was too loud.

The lover,friend,laughs laughs,madness were all good memories but right now all i have is a tarnished version of you and a tainted version of myself

You robbed everything i had and left me empty but only with my esteem.

There was once something here.

I trusted you with It and you lost it

You are now just another stranger with all my secrets,

another wind i loathe

a season i do not look forward to,

a withered rose garden,

there is no more blossom in this bloom.

I was determined to becoming the woman you wanted me to be and I lost my way to the woman i was purposed to be

my feelings,

a lettered altered ego of what they used to be.

my knees dusty and greyed from long hours of kneeling because i believed in’us’.

now i get lost in re-writing it all..

get high and coffee and cuddle on my sofa.

this is how simple it was meant to be but u just loved me hard.

before you think am writing all these puzzle of lines to you…..

B

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STRANGER WITH MY SECRETS

its like a child screaming in the hallway.

jumping about freely with no worries.

Echoes hitting waves of space and back,

a heart shadowed with lots of emptiness.

My heart knows certain things my mind can hardly explain.

I let go of things now simply because they are heavy.

You are a stranger with all my secrets.

I wrote on walls of an empty tunnel,

that stood hidden and abandoned to passengers

the innocence in me got confused,

that i stand with my hands lifted to my head.

And now, you are a stranger with all my secrets.

#BEDCHRONICLES-3

Take me in your arms tonight,

tear the veil that shields me from you

take me strongly yet softly

and make me mourn in estacy.

Tonite i am all yours baby.

I wanna hear the rhythm of your heart beat play next to mine.

I wanna feel the sweetness in your touch

the strength in your strums

the pace of your heart

just run me over darling, run me over…

Softly,smoothly, tenderly

carefully baby…

EULOGY

That friday evening as i slopped back home,she told me you had been admitted. Even though we call her a drunko, I sensed fear in her tone and she was actually acared because unlike the other days she was back with the next five minutes. It was the inviting news before i could even say hello to dad (anyways he never waits for a greetin when he has something to say). My heart skipped though i gathered strength to say u shall be fine and if you don’t we let you rest in the Realms of heaven. I entered my room and said a short prayer like my spiritual father always teaches but my spirit was sure you wouldn’t make it and the voice in my head was loud ‘let her rest’. Why did i take long to accept or have it sink in? I recall telling him. ‘Tonight i will switch off my phone because i don’t want people messing with sleep’. It was only an excuse i created because i actually didnt want to accept.

Is this how writers mourn?

Rwozzi woke me up as early as six when the bad news was announced but in denial of wanting it to sink,i grumbled about why he had to wake me up. My day was okay until the lovely human you gave birth to, my mother showed up from the corner of the compound and as i stood to welcome her, I actually hugged a broken woman who wouldnt hold her tears. I teared with her not because you were gone but because my mother was broken and all the lamenting she did left me helpless.  When dawn broke and the house was now full, i looked out for your favourite hymns and sang with my cousins just hoping i would hear your voice join in as usual and i would laugh at you trying to catch your breath yet appreciate the lover of christ you are but i got no response. I kept on going hoping maybe you were asleep and would wake up when you hear us so i raised my voice but no, u didnt show up. Mukya u let me worship alone!. After dinner as everyone looked for where they could lay down i went to my room that we have always shared just to make sure i catch some sleep. In my bed with your other two grand daughters we lay and chat and nobody slept on the other bed (the one you always slept on) and before i knew i was talking to myself because sleep had stolen them. I turned to your empty bed this time full of bags and it when it hit me. All these people are gathered here because you are gone. I couldn’t hold back the loud cry my dear, I walked through to the sitting room carefully with all these people laying down i was floored. I couldnt explain what i felt by speech but i knew i was broken.

Is this how writer’s grieve?

So, I went to see Sheka (as you foundly called him) at school and when i couldnt get myself to break the news of your passing to him is when i realised how messy i was. I actually do not recall ever breaking it to any individual unless through my posts of celebrating your life. All i could do when he asked about you because he left you home was show him pictures of the funeral. I havent accepted your passing but i have accepted the fact that you are not with me.(i dnt knw what sense that is). I am lost in this. I cant find myself. I still cry, I still call you, I still talk about you like you are next door. But I am still so lost Mukya my darling grandma. But today allow me, I know it wont be easy get myself together easily, I might still write and cry but allow me today say Fare thee well Grandma (i ve said this before though). Till we meet again in the realms of heaven. If this is how writers grieve then allow me grieve till i heal.

New: Love – ing you ft KadaliBlog

Random responses to @Josh Agaba

Unsaid Feelings

Introducing the amazing poet at KadaliBlog.

image

Me: “When the sun don’t shine
Can I be your shine?

When the lights are low
Will you let me hold your hand?

When everything don’t make sense,
And in times when the storm is too heavy,
Will you let my embrace be enough for you?

My ears will always be open to hear all your doubts.

Will my lips be enough to remind you of those things we always dreamed of together?

Will my eyes be enough for both of us when yours are heavy with tears?

When your heart’s heavy, will you remember that it has a home on my shoulder?”

Every time you say, ‘I Love You’, your eyes keep asking me these and many more questions. And in that moment I know. I just know you will always be here with me!

I have no choice but to say, ‘Yes…

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U have my Attention

You caught my attention.

With the sparkle in your eyes,

the joy in your smile,

did i mention you have a vibrant smile?

And then you decided to walk with me.

Even when i still prefered to walk alone.

You held my hand and i still pulled away,

shared my tears and i still called you a joker.

I was hesitant, you pulled away.

The joy in you smile faded,

but i still paid no attention

now…

the sparkle in your eyes is no more,

the warmth of your laughter is gone,

my ink is dry,

you are radio silent,

my art, very abstract.

I can’t forever live in fear.

I have dodged,

I have danced around in circles. but now…

My eyes are fixed on you

Your taste is my attention.

Not my Novel fantasies,

I am off my writing and paint boards

You have my Attention

#Puzzled thoughts

My heart with fear

I cant seem to see myself better

My knees weaken

yet i can’t tilt my cup as yet.

My thoughts!

A lettered alter ego of what they used to be.

My knees have  collected dust from hours of kneeling through prayer.

Rythms of my heartbeat vs my heartache.

Melodies in my heads fade.

my heart aint fickle,

its like whispers of the sea.

Iam burning, Iam waiting for a sign

#BedChronicles(tonite)

Tear the Veil that covers my eyes.

lift me up and make me lay down.

the passion in your eyes,

ignites a fear in my heart.

Its Tonite baby, tonite.

I bow my eyes with pride,

my mind lingers,

Yes, am scared but,

the sparkle in you eyes has consumed me.

The fire in you touch blinds me with smoke,

I am burning on the inside

yet cold on the outside.

*whispers….Take me down, take me down.

My fear lays over me like thousands of men

your touch, comforts me. its magical.