Tag: broken

Pain romanced

I have Romanced pain

Dated it, slept with it

Held an caressed it

Even when it hurt, I smiled

When they questioned, I defended

They they said let go

It wasn’t that bad for me.

Yet I still cried myself to sleep

Woke up choking on my mucus

Smiled to my wounded heart

Forced the image in the mirror to smile

It convinced me, I was beautiful

Told me I could never be better

Made me believe, that was my start and finish

I sat at high tables

My legs crossed at the knee

Red soles, red lips tic and flawless hair

They envied me, so their was no way I could speak up

I smiled for the camera

And swayed my hair for haters

Or I was the hater

I knew I was in a bad place with pain

Maybe married to it

Caressed and romanced it

We couldn’t let go of each other

Until the emptiness turned into death

I was a moving shell

A zombie

A corpse. Am image of myself

Then I knew the romance was over

I was dead.

Nothing between us

You short butterflies in my tummy

Yet ignored the smile

I blamed the dust and wind when my eyes watered

Maybe there was nothing between us but

120 days ago I was heart broken

I sat at my fav cafe sipping tea

The spices were too strong my eyes watered

You walked up to me

Told me you have been watching me for years

We became friends

I promised I wasn’t ready or you would be a rebound

But your sweet soul took me to dinner

Asked me out,

When I asked for time you became elusive

Stopped calling and texted only when necessary

I didn’t reject you

When I said wait for me is because I didn’t want to hurt you

I needed to be sure my feelings weren’t playing

I just needed a couple of weeks to place and settle my hurt but

 

You shot the butterflies in my stomach

Blamed the dust for the water in my eyes

Ignored not just my smile

Told me you weren’t willing to wait

Yet you had already waited 730 days

Acted like you had never known me

Maybe you were right

There was nothing between us

But why do I still gape at the sight of you

Why does my stomach flip

And my tongue ties?

I know you feel the same way

But maybe there’s nothing between us

 

Love and goodbyes

Nothing changed in the last 20 years

He kisses her cheek and she smiles back but

When his wife calls out

He hides the photo in the closet

Acts like he was looking for something to wear

Acts like he didn’t hear the first time she called

He fakes it until she taps his shoulder

Sometimes love isn’t enough

But what hurts more?

Lying to the one you hold

Or spending twenty years with hurt

She knew she wasn’t the love of his life

Infact, she knew he wasn’t in love with her

Maybe just the idea of her

But years kept giving her hope

His actions spoke different

She was prepared but again it hurt like hell

She noticed his heart skipped at the park

He saw her again after twenty years

She was all he ever wanted

She saw how anxious he got

Then she knew, her time was up

Darling, she said

I know for twenty years you still kept her photo

Twenty years, you kissed her cheek

And still called her name in your dreams.

Just take care of our children

And I hope she is available for you

She returned home with a broken heart

Packed her bags and left a note

“For 10 years I planned this

But I didn’t have courage

Or I was in denial

But he will never love me like her

Even when I prepared,

I am breaking so bad.

Goodbye”

#PuzzledLines

I sit here with stones in my chest

filling up space where hope used to lie

looking at life and wondering

what is self love

what is selfishness

what is love even

Love?

that thing that i aborted from the chambers of my heart

that feeling that i don’t want to feel again

i get goosed up each time a man makes a pass

or even innocently …(no, nothing is innocent about men)

genuinely…(i don’t think the word works)

but that point when they seem to actually feel

But he did show all that Until my 10th birthday

When he sneaked into my room

wearing his white tunic and his grey beard almost glowing

Now,

I sit here with stones in my chest

filling up space where hope used to lie

continuously trying to convince people am good enough

or am lovable

They say love is effortless

it comes naturally

but how effortless

how do you find beauty in the broken

a kind of broken that only finds love in a wine bottle

and hope in a glass of tequila?

22b54c9af282e34029ade8cf1e5889a4

Dear heart

What do tears do to you?

Yesterday I was all kinds of emotions (not exactly sure how you handle these at ago. )

Then tears….the way I felt relieved all over a sudden is amazing.

I was burning and as soon as I opened the taps, it felt like rain over a fire.

And the sleep after crying is another story…its sleep from a different planet.

The tears washed down all my emotions even with zero solution to my issues, I felt like I could concur the world 👌

Who even made tears?

Dear heart, life doesn’t have to be that serious I know. Sometimes it overwhelms but with tears, tea and cake we overcome. Let’s love more tonight

Dear heart

What happens to people without homes inside them?

What happens to broken hearts and bruised souls ?

What happens to people that love, love?

What happens when its a pudding of emotions?

Sometimes you ache, what chemical reaction is that?

And when you skip?

I want to understand you because many times when you speak you are a bowl of necessary noise.

What happens to you when I see the one I love or one I spite?

How do you explain the butterflies breeding in my stomach?

Or the way my blood boils in anger?

Well, life as it gets… How do you manage to control this whole system

Murder , she baked #end

This man must have nine lives like a cat. he refuses to die and they plan on bringing him home. I hope they pay up a nurse because all his baby mamas are gone and i am not going to take the place of taking care of a vegetable every single day. He has delayed all my plans basically because i don’t want to leave the country before his burial. It will also not be as good if i don’t get to bury and hear the will and i wouldn’t want to return just to do that.

I know what to do. I am going to quicken him. probably cover his face with a pillow and wait for the nurse to announce him dead. And the newspaper headlines Front page will read “Mayor Dead” And then I will finally have my peace and get away from all this for a while. Nope, i aint guilty

Murder, she baked 17

I want to laugh so hard but also cry…He just slipped into coma. So he thought after everything I would welcome him home, lie in his bed, make his food and nurse him to health? I asked for divorce not his sanity so why the hell did he slip into coma even before i could finish.

This man doesn’t want me to prosper. All his side girls have now left, they can’t handle everything that is going on yet here I was thinking they are determined. All he has is his family by his bed now, i still wont go to hospital however, they asked for the kids so i will have the driver take them and return them to my mother after. what would i be appreciating being by his bed? if only he listened while i still had a heart, Right now am so empty that i cant even recognize my shadow. In the mirror all i see is a tainted image of someone i used to be and i am not that woman anymore (it hurts that he has turned me into such a monster) Should i blame myself for holding on or blame all the people who told me i didn’t have reason enough to leave him. I am so lost But again. i am not sorry. Lets just wait for the news that comes from hospital, i am not sure if i want him alive or dead because at the end of the day, both situations do not matter. In my mind, he was already killed and buried

Murder, she baked -9

Journal – 4

So today his trip girl calls me and tells me she gives me a month for me to move out because she cant raise her child in a rental! But who bewitches these women? Does she know how many bricks i laid on this foundation?

I asked Frank and he had the guts to tell me she is also entittled to the house because she has his kid. But what does this man take me for? Has he forgotten that i keep all the paper work in this house? I need to get myself a lawyer so quick and i will make sure he is left with nothing but a driving permit.

Oh! i forgot, he is a public figure, he can manipulate anything…i need to think fast or i will be left on the streets with my kids. but also he doesnt know that in these few years of marriage i had bought some land on my own and built apartments he doesnt know about, that is a start. But i must fight I cant be stepped on and wasted like this.

This man is driving me crazy, So help me God

Murder, she baked 6

When i got married, i didnt envision this kind of marriage. As a kid i envisoned a cinderella story and the christian in me didnt believe in divorce until this day. I know he wont allow. The mayor is that adamant but this marriage is going to kill me and yet am the innocent one. Am going to kill Frank, I will explain to God later.

Murder, she baked. Journal 1

Since no one believes me or thinks am suffocating. Its been a year since Naki gave birth. She gave him a son and i know he now sees her ofter. And Becky hasnt left the picture. I think she is due soon. And then that other girl that he takes on trips. I am living in a huge castle and i dont even know the last time we lived as husband and wife in private. We have managed to keep the public image of a beautiful couple. We hold hands and smile. Does the world know that two weeks after i collapsed he raped me because i denied him sex?.  But well, if my own mother doesnt believe me, how will the public believe me when they see a whole different picture. I only work and live for my children. The maid takes care of all his needs and everyday am worried that she will be his next victim. I wanted to take the kids to boarding school far away from all the drama but they are my only joy and hope. The reason depression hasnt killed me yet. I talked to my matron about it and as much as she doesnt think i should leave my marriage she supports boarding school.

I have thought of boarding school in nairobi but my babies are still very little. Lets give it a couple of other years. i hope Frank wont have killed me then.