Tag: depression

Murder, She baked 15

Frank didn’t see it coming. Neither did I. He saw both of us come in from the distance. The girl is not an easy chap, he made his bed and is now lying on it. She wasnt ready to be kept behind shadows. I planned as she planned, she rejected his pleas of remaining at the back not in front of the camera. i watched them battle it out until, his pressure rose. He is at the hospital with her and honestly am not sure whether to be sad or not, am not even sure i want him to recover. I am glad he hadn’t changed the will as yet all the same.

He must be wondering why it’s not I at the hospital bedside, but why should i be, what would i be appreciating…he broke the vows long ago and there’s nothing left to keep. Anyway i have officially resigned, i am home, the media will go to hospital, they will print about the incident and when he gets to see the papers….so help hm God because next might be him lying in a box while passages are being read to him out of some holy book that he even didn’t acknowledge ever since fame cropped in.

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Murder, She baked 14

Be careful of the things you ignore up the ladder, you might get stuck and need to return

So something happened in Frank’s office, he thinks I should join him for the press conference but he has no idea. I actually asked his new “wife” to escort him.  I agreed to meeting him at the venue but I actually befriended his “wife” i got her a befitting dress and told her we should go together. I cant wait to see the look on his face.

I know am hurting and am doing all this to hurt him back and truly it wont erase everything but maybe after this day he should know that I was his staircase up and I am breaking the pieces of wood that he will have nothing to use on return. He will land flat on his face and while that happens…..i don plan on leaving him with a penny to reboot his life. My showing up with his “wife” means he has to bargain that i shut up about his infidelity, get me money for the kids and more pocket change which i will use to pay the divorce lawyer….

Murder,She baked 13

But death shouldnt come so easily

Yesterday I sent in my resignation. I am just cheating my boss honestly. My mind is too divided. His girl moved into the guest room and am glad my kids aren’t home and yes I got the admission so i don’t need the maid. I talked to her and she will be leaving, glad i have money to clear her arrears and transport her. She was a very good maid am just so sad that she had to come while all this had started to go wrong.

I want to frustrate frank to his grave, killing him will come so easy and I cant give him that satisfaction. I want death to eat him slowly just like he has caused me pain. When love hurts, it stings and stinks. it’s no longer love,its loneliness demanding,its depression, it’s not feeling good enough for anything else. Its emptiness that makes you feel like no one else deserves to be happy just because you are not.

Since Frank has a new wife, I am going to enjoy my sleep and only make my meals and chill..Phew feels good to have a helper. she better clean the house this evening and prepare his dinner because I will be going to the movies.

Murder, she baked 12

Journal 7

Two bodies, one funeral.

I saw the therapist and I seriously need help but i cant promise i will go to my next appointment because while i finalised to move the kids (with his money) i played a role in him acquiring it, i got home only to find Frank had moved his “trip girl” and her child into my former bedroom. It’s however still my marital bedroom and his excuse is “we are just ceremonial”. What kind of sugarcane does this man smoke? Couldnt he wait for me to move the kids at least? And his mother, is in support just  because “i am no longer a wife because i don’t do the wife duties and as a man he needs to feel like one” What nonsense is this.  I felt like slapping her but i still respect her a little. Tomorrow both families are going to seat to try settle us but i wonder where they were when everything was still raw and i was trying to tell them while they said “Omukyala aguma”

Now I have to kill 2 humans just to make sure no one takes things that belong to me (so help me God) Did i say God? didn’t that guy leave me alone already?… Now 2 women in the same compound, one a young girl who thinks she will be happier here. She better hire her own maid because am going to fire mine and also resign from work, i cant focus even at the job that should pay my bills so before am fired….

Murder, she baked 8

His touch still haunts my day dreams.

Journal 3

I can still feel the cold blood aligning my thighs. The way I shed skin, the way i sat after his awful act. I was (i am) his wife, the one he cheated on several times and raped just because i denied him sex. He said it was his right to have it so he took it by force, i wonder if he ever questioned my rights when he cheated on me. I look at him at the table while we have breakfast and the flash backs can’t stop.

Lord! I want to dig my fork into his throat as he swallows. Did the women get attracted to his deep force or this Adam apple? Was it the power and Fame that came along the way?. I can’t believe i still went silent and kept all this hurt in me. Does he feel guilty after that night or he just about getting whatever he wants no matter how? I wonder if he has raped others just like me. What kind of monster did i get involved with that he has turned me into a cold blood. I thirst for his blood and each time i get disappointing news about him (Okay nothing really surprises me anymore) but at every news about another cheat i want to stab him. He doesn’t learn.

I should leave before I find myself in jail. But how? After children and building all this with him, putting up with all the fame and stupidity, staying by him when he was nothing? How do i leave all the things i have worked for,for his whores (for the women he thought were better than i was) Yet they only met him after he became a house hold name……No, Way!!!

Murder, she baked 6

When i got married, i didnt envision this kind of marriage. As a kid i envisoned a cinderella story and the christian in me didnt believe in divorce until this day. I know he wont allow. The mayor is that adamant but this marriage is going to kill me and yet am the innocent one. Am going to kill Frank, I will explain to God later.

Murder, she baked. Journal 1

Since no one believes me or thinks am suffocating. Its been a year since Naki gave birth. She gave him a son and i know he now sees her ofter. And Becky hasnt left the picture. I think she is due soon. And then that other girl that he takes on trips. I am living in a huge castle and i dont even know the last time we lived as husband and wife in private. We have managed to keep the public image of a beautiful couple. We hold hands and smile. Does the world know that two weeks after i collapsed he raped me because i denied him sex?.  But well, if my own mother doesnt believe me, how will the public believe me when they see a whole different picture. I only work and live for my children. The maid takes care of all his needs and everyday am worried that she will be his next victim. I wanted to take the kids to boarding school far away from all the drama but they are my only joy and hope. The reason depression hasnt killed me yet. I talked to my matron about it and as much as she doesnt think i should leave my marriage she supports boarding school.

I have thought of boarding school in nairobi but my babies are still very little. Lets give it a couple of other years. i hope Frank wont have killed me then.

Murder,she Baked.5

He didn’t care to explain or say a word. He just walked off.  she silently ate her breakfast deep in thought. Wondering how else she will handle this. Was it the wrong approach?. While she cleaned the dishes, he came out, he was leaving. “am out. Will be home for dinner.” She nodded and turned her attention back to the dishes. She thought through divorce even when she knew that no one would support her neither would he allow to sign the papers because he had a reputation to maintain.  She thought through just walking out, denying him sex because she was no longer sure of her safety. “this sounds like a plan,” she said out loud.

She went about her day as usual, talked with her new maid, made sure they bound with Celine. Mark would be returning soon. But for a while as they watched cartoons, she forgot about her problems but just only for a while until they were preparing dinner when her former maid came in. the gate man came running…. “mama Celine, Naki ali ku gate”. she went out to see what Naki had come to do. She looked tired, with her stomach protruding through her thin blouse. She carried a suitcase. Mama Celine stood at the door her arms akimbo waiting on her to speak. Naki placed her suitcase down from her head. She looked weary, her eyes swollen like she had been crying. “my mother has told me to come back. (her husband hooted and the gate man rushed to let him in) she can’t afford to take care of me while the one in charge of the pregnancy does nothing“. Soon as she finished the statement, mama Celine collapsed. Naki stared helplessly at her, the gate man ran over to help. The husband didn’t even turn off the engine, jumped out and carried her into the car straight to hospital.

At the hospital first aid was done. Mayor handled the bill, She was put on a 2 days bed rest and she requested to do it at the hospital. she was afraid of returning home to her life. The mayor had to call her sister to stay with her as he went home. He found Naki waiting on her and when she explained her ordeal, he told her to abort. “Are you mad? How do I abort a foetus this old?Am not leaving here until u find a better plan. She Exclaimed and sat at the veranda. He told her he would sent help, let her return to her mothers but she declined so he had to figure out another way. He asked her to stay in the quarters until he figures out a plan but he knew that he had to figure it out before his wife was dismissed. He went in up to his bedroom and kept pacing,called up a few friends and one suggested he gets her a one room rental, pays the whole year for it. Gives her some money and that’s it until further notice. He stormed out. Told her to carry her bags, called a few other people, a house was provided. A Self contained one room, he made immediate payment took her shopping for few things and gave her pocket change of 500k. One problem solved, he exhaled.

Murder, She baked 3

She had slept off late in the night and her pillow was soaked in tears but she had to get up to have things running. She called out to the maid as she walked through the corridor to go and fix herself a quick tea-cup. The maid was up and was in the living room mopping before she could get told of other assignments.

“yes Madame she responded as she dropped the mop to face the direction of her boss. I am going to church but I wont be taking Celine with me. When she gets up, wash her up and prepare some oats for her. (they both walked into the kitchen). The Oats are here, she said opening the drawers above the sink. everything you will need to cook is here, and i might be late so the matooke is here and just make beef in gnuts for sauce. Everything else needed is here and what you don’t understand or can’t find call me. I know you were told i have two children and a husband, well, those two wont be around till next week so for now its just us. When you finish mopping, boil some milk and put in the flask. I will try be back in time so we talk more. Any questions? “No madam. I will call in case of anything. Oh! the gate man gets  breakfast from here so when you finish preparing, give him. He will come for it normally at about 10am. Other than that, i dont expect any visitors. She concluded, poured tea into her cup and headed back to her bedroom to prepare for church then meet up her best friend.

she sipped her tea as she texted. Good morning, I know I said we should meet up 8am but would like to do church. So let’s make it 10am please. If you are coming to church, we could leave together. She put her phone down and walked into the bathroom.“How am I going to go to church like this today? I feel so broken and empty i don’t even know what to say to God. But maybe i need the word for encouragement.” She place her cup of tea by the sink, took a quick shower and in no minute she was out. She looked at her puffy eyes in the mirror and she knew, she would need a lot of foundation to disguise it all. She peeped into the closet and picked up her pink knee-length dress, dropped the towel, pulled out her lingerie drawer, dressed. went back to the mirror, smeared, put on her dress and concluded with make up. She picked up her bible and handbag, grabbed her car keys and slip black pumps unto her feet and she was off.

The sermon was from or the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10. She really needed it and when church was done, she was off to meet her Friend. In less than 20mins she was at the cafe, Sat by the window and before she placed her order she texted “already her, Usual spot by the window”. She ordered for an english breakfast and while the waitress was bringing it, he friend pulled over. When she saw her, tears begun to build up in her eyes once again. She thought after church she would feel much better but guess not.

Hey….Desire walked towards her. You look so tired. Did you sleep? Did you even attend church? she asked as they hugged. She realised her friend wasnt letting go of the hug yet so she held on a little bit longer as she patted her back. “its well”. Desire was married to an ordinary man. She was a banker and he was a doctor. She pulled out of the hug and sat down as she signaled the waitress. “I will have the same order please”. She said placing her bag by the window seal. She then held her friend’s hand, “what is the story”. Mama Celine Narrated and Desire simply listened in silently.  “how long has this been going on?”. Well, since I had Celine. rumours were going around but i paid less attention. It had happened when i had Mark but i chose to ignore like mum asked but it kept eating me up. I didn’t know the other woman until the phone calls. “have you tried to confront him?” Mum said I shouldnt. She said as long as she is providing home i shouldnt have reason to. I have been trying to talk to him but he hasn’t given me space. Normally he returns late or tired and leaves very early or am rushing to office. The communication died long time. All he does is leave money by the dressing mirror each time and if i need anything, he says i text

I want to say we need to pray about it, but I also see you are torn apart. While they spoke her phone rang. The number is unknown to her. I think its her again.  Pick up then, Desire said “Hey, Good morning mam. sorry to call you so early. My name is Becky, I am looking for the mayor. He got me pregnant and he is avoiding my calls. I know you are the wife.” she froze that Desire had to grab the phone from her. “Halo…you were saying?…. “I said the mayor made me pregnant and he told me to keep it yet now he is avoiding me and I cant reach him on phone.” Desire looked at her Zonked friend. Well, he is out-of-town, am, going to let him know you called when he returns. “please do, don’t make me come to the house.” The phone dropped.

 

She Lay….

She laid down with her face up

clad in her beautiful lace dress

lips painted with a mac ruby

and her foundation well pressed not to trace a pimple

She lay with her eyes closed

like she was avoiding the rays of the sun from hitting back

yet the sun had been blocked by all the shadows standing besides her

glaring down at her like she was a piece of fine art

like they were trying to find out if her breath wasnt air yet

“can’t you see that I can’t move?” she thought.

She looked at him weeping

his hands slowly caressing her casket

He was in deep sorrow

She wished she could wake up

as much as she enjoyed the attention she got

the lies and truth being eulogized

But also prayed she was really dead

he was the reason everyone was gathered and not having tea.

 

 

Heart for Rent 3

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Zero sleep. Out of bed. Turns the music on and in her short pyjamas and mess burn she starts to dance. Goes to the fridge and takes out milk, pours herself cornflakes and lets it all out at the sofa infront of her TV.

Beep, Beep…Text from Joe. She quickly grabs her phone and opens it. “i cant sleep but i guess you are on mars and will see when you get up”, it read

typing…… i am actually awake thinking of you….backspace

….well couldnt sleep either…..backspace

……just got up to eat….back space

……Well, i was still up trying to finish up a series…she sent.

Joe: Oh, what series?

Ella: Handmaid’s tale

Joe: i love some gun action. I dont know what that is even

Ella: I love some guns too but this was recommended.

Joe: let me let you finish as i try find sleep. Goodnight

Ella: Good night

She held her phone like she was hugging memories from the past. After she was over with her thoughts she picked up her bowl and finished her cereal before she could go to bed again.

Saturday morning and the ray of sunshine that hit brightly at her window is what got her up. Lazily she woke up and the clock was reading 10am. She walked out of her bed straight to her leaving room, picked up her remote and turned on the TV, dropped it and walked back to her bedroom into the bathroom. Washed her face and brushed then she picked up her phone to call her laundry lady. She went in into her kitchen to clean up and suddenly it hit her again. She was alone. He had left her after 2 years of staying together and four of dating and he left like they hadnt been together even for a single day.

Dishes in the sink, water running and tears flowing down her cheeks. All the beautiful nights and days spent together suddenly came back. It had been eight months and she still didnt know what to do with herself. some days were okay and merry and other days she felt like crap. Closed doors and a bowl of candy. No amount of wine could wipe her tears or heal the broken heart. No amount of music would numb the pain. So she put up an ad in her head that no one ever read “heart for rent”

slowly she washed the dishes. trying to deal with all the thoughts. Keeping busy not to think but it felt like yesterday. The dishes were done and just before she could start to mop, a knock at the door. ‘It must be fina, the laudry lady’ she thought. She went over to the door and it was Penny, her bestfriend. She had been checking on weekly just to make sure she is okay. Peeny feared her friend wwould sink into depression. “hey..how are you? you look terrible this morning” she said pulling Ella in for a hug. “I am tired” Ella said drawing in as tears started to collect again. Penny held her for almost sixty seconds before she could let her go. ‘So how has the week been? Penny asked letting herself in. she threw her bag on the sofa and went into the kitchen to make some tea. Ella shut the door and walked back to wear she had left her bucket and mop. She picked them up as she narrated the bar events to Penny who stood with her body against the wall that divides the living room from the kitchen. ‘Actually, we are having lunch together this afternoon’.