Tag: emptiness


Sydney sims -unsplash

So, while I was scrolling through Facebook and twitter I land on this Obituary/ death announcement of an IHK nurse that was hacked to death by her husband INFRONT OF HER KIDS no you didn’t hear me. He axed her in the sight of her children. Well, according to the people that seem to know the story. But it’s not the first case. Women a buried in septic tanks.

Last week a video was posted the lady was smashing the man’s car and the man was recording while telling the kids “see your mother is mad” and she was asking him to stop feeding her kids with lies she isn’t mad. She was getting back at him for something but that’s a story we online don’t know so we can’t tell reason for reaction. She was criticized in all ways positive and negative but I got lots of questions on my mind and why such crimes seem justified and why the law has to first check the mental health of the criminal to be sure he is mentally steady. My heart sunk for the kids. The image, the sight will never depart. I really pray they find a home (without him) that will nurture them and console and love and take good care of them.

Now the questions. No matter the reason no one deserves to take another life in the name of anger and frustration and I wasn’t thinking nonsense.

We need to change the narrative and stop stigmatizing divorce. Now don’t get me wrong, I know what the bible says and I don’t support divorce, but if it is the only way our or reason to get sanity please get out even God loves the Divorcee (am sure he will understand or not). Especially because I don’t think all marriages are ordained by God. We force ourselves into some because we are pregnant, wealth, love, age, society, peer pressure whatever it is, lust even when we have all the red flags.

First of all it’s okay not to get married, society shouldn’t dictate. It’s okay not to want children or want one or four or 20 as you please not what the world says is right. Don’t give in for the sake of your sanity. It’s also okay to get married at 40 or whatever age you find it right and pleasing.

Did the deceased talk to people? Probably they told her to be strong and hang on.

Are we taught to stay in toxic relationships because we fear the aftermath, the kids, the things built together the memories we hold together? Okay for the sake of Marriage the kids will suffer the break up but they will also suffer consequences of a toxic union so make the right choice because Death shouldn’t be it no matter the choice. We tell these girls everything they should do soon as they hit adolescence but have we rejected the men?

What does a man do in a toxic relationship?

How do they deal with anger?

Many women, myself inclusive live in carelessness because we are taught as African women to uphold family honor and be patient even when it kills your mental, physical and emotional health. We take all the abuse ad “die heroes”.

Who started this narrative?

“That is how marriage is” seems to mean take everything thrown at you. Do you think Christ was stupid to die on the cross or when he said “if you burn marry but being alone is better” Did he build the institution on spite or you think he was drunk to preach love, love in Corinthians.

Why do we prefer to return home in coffins when we left in heels and makeup just at the expense of abuse? Don’t we love ourselves just enough!

Normal men that were groomed well, speak up! Don’t let this eat us all up because of few that were probably broken as young men

Do the church vows need to be revised from “till death do us part” because we shall really die?

My heart is bleeding yet I didn’t even know her in person. Rest in peace Violet Kakai


i can’t remember the last time i felt a man’s hands play piano with my spine spine
neither do i remember the last time the tambourine on my waist shook
90 days feels like a year
i think i have forgotten how to tongue twist
and donate titles they don’t deserve
does it feel good?…
No. because the moment he walked through the door i knew it was like the last time
zero worship, straight to sermon
hit it, hit the shower and go home
then i am once again stuck in my bed
hugging my knees and eating candy
planning on the next movie
preparing to laugh to myself
because shit! i am empty!

By sunset

being in a relationship won’t cure your loneliness
riding on the horseback into a sunset of a marriage wont cure your sadness
we win some and lose some
because love as it is doesn’t guarantee happiness

how can you be mad if you don’t remember?
to forgive is not always to forget
so stop making excuses because the hug is warm,
the sex is good,
and the heart wants what it wants
don’t ride into a sunset of a marriage because
at dawn the tears will flow
the ache will return
the thumping will be loud
darkness will cloud you
but don’t say,
i was blind.
And don’t blame love

josh applegate

why are you accepting his ring when you haven’t forgotten
why is he on one knee when you both didn’t heal
did i hear love
are you God!
are you insane?
well when the sunrises, we shall be dressed in purple
with hankies and hymn books
silently crying at the church pews
our hearts grieving
his back being patted by another not you
and by sunset, you will be lowered
At sunrise we will walk the streets like nothing ever happened.

Soul searching

Soul searching

Teas and ink

A chilly day with plenty tea cups

And frequent bathroom trips

In my bed I lay, reading an e book

I spoke with him today,

The only human that never judges me

We spoke about tea and flowers

Broken winged butterflies and….


Soul searching

Self discovery

The kettle whistles and its tea time

It’s been tea today

I sit looking outside my window

Thinking of me, us and you

Writing small nothings in my notebook

I haven’t written in a while

I can’t journal, I find it too boring

I still love red roses and cake

Oh the smell of cake baking…..

I still love maize


Soul searching

Self discovery

Along the way I lost myself

Not in a bottle of wine

Speaking of wine,

I look at my rack,

It’s empty

I love the way white wine tickles my tongue

Or I never knew who I was

Maybe I have never known.

I’m just a lover

A poet

A writer

I drop another paper basket

All I have written are empty thoughts

Because in here……is empty

Maybe just lost

Love and goodbyes

Nothing changed in the last 20 years

He kisses her cheek and she smiles back but

When his wife calls out

He hides the photo in the closet

Acts like he was looking for something to wear

Acts like he didn’t hear the first time she called

He fakes it until she taps his shoulder

Sometimes love isn’t enough

But what hurts more?

Lying to the one you hold

Or spending twenty years with hurt

She knew she wasn’t the love of his life

Infact, she knew he wasn’t in love with her

Maybe just the idea of her

But years kept giving her hope

His actions spoke different

She was prepared but again it hurt like hell

She noticed his heart skipped at the park

He saw her again after twenty years

She was all he ever wanted

She saw how anxious he got

Then she knew, her time was up

Darling, she said

I know for twenty years you still kept her photo

Twenty years, you kissed her cheek

And still called her name in your dreams.

Just take care of our children

And I hope she is available for you

She returned home with a broken heart

Packed her bags and left a note

“For 10 years I planned this

But I didn’t have courage

Or I was in denial

But he will never love me like her

Even when I prepared,

I am breaking so bad.


Grief the thief

I was thinking of coming home today. Suddenly my head rushed to presidents house and I was excited to come see you and tell you of our progress then grief that silly thing hit.

I forgot you are gone. Maybe that is what love does, never lets you forget. My thoughts still speak to me of you like you are still here. But this kinda heartache I feel even in my bones.

It will heal, someday but also maybe I need patience. I know it will get better,I will be fine but just not today. Maybe not soon.

I was smiling telling Nations of you and boom, stupid grief paused our moment for a few. Maybe grief is the price we pay for love. But also these are just my maybes.

I think I will miss you forever , like the stars miss the ☀️. Time only can tell.

I still do cry when I miss you. Sometimes I cry out of the blu….I can only hope

The day of this pic, you were “happy”.You said you wanted a full pic if you were to get an ID and no you still didn’t register.

All I have is my heart and in Thea I shall live with you.

Months gone but feels like yesterday!

Fuck grief

Fuck death

Fuck pain.

If love could have saved you

Dear heart

Sometimes all you need is you. No brain, no friends, no company, no radio silence…just an empty head and a silent soul.

I didn’t say speak today, let’s just get some quiet we surely all need it.

I don’t even want to love myself today, everything is on holiday

Dear heart, I know the day you say Selah you might skip or stop beating. Blood won’t flow as you go about your work today, do it silently, maybe then cupid will never know there’s something special right here.



When love hurts,it stings

“This isn’t meant to be your place.” He said bluntly not even strong enough to stare at her. She was willing to drop her life and leave her town for his but well I guess it wasn’t going to happen.

‘So do you want to have your ring back’ she had promised him the day he placed the promise ring on her finger that if it never worked she would at least make sure she didn’t throw the ring or just keep it but return it. But also she had said it in mockery. She didn’t think he would gladly approve. He laid out his palm and said “well, this is the stop and I don’t think u will be needing it”. She didn’t cry and somehow wasn’t so shocked. She had gone to see him and share other information but she suddenly couldn’t cry or even share the news. She dropped what she had gone for and politely asked him to drop her off at the bus station. She wanted to say something but her head was a stadium all over a sudden. She got off and headed for the bus.

He paid her fare..yes not sure if it was courtesy or he wasn’t sure of everything he had said earlier. She got a seat by the window and just when she was wondering if she should cry or not, thea he was rushing her off the bus just before it started to move.

‘What is it?

What is wrong?

What happened?

“Well I won’t allow u leave just yet. Not tonite. Maybe tomorrow morning. She was puzzled a few hours ago he said they were done and his part of town wasn’t meant for her and he was going back to his baby mama because he wanted to raise his kid right. In a unified family of no steps and confusion. A baby mama she only had of and a son she loved even with just having seen pictures of him over the years…some times she believed none of these existed but she still kept silent and kept it going.

She was now off the bus with the same man. . (Why did she even allow)..he drove her to hotel where he checked her in and told her he would pick her up for he was going home to his baby mama. The moon was rising..she just ordered food and took a bath and while she was settling in to watch news and text a couple of people….thea was a knock at the door.

It was him again 2 hours later and he was now going to spend the night with her. Part of her rejoiced, part of her was confused. She was tired. It had been this kind of play for months. Her heart was tired. But she stayed they made love. She shared her not so exciting news just before they slept off.

Morning was here and she had to go. She showered and they both went down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. He drove her to the station again and she asked whether she was getting her ring back. The response was a quick No. Unthought through probably

She asked again a couple of hours later before she took the bus and it was the same No. He paid the fare and this time she was gone. Still by the window she sat. Lost in thoughts the whole journey. She pulled out a pencil and note pad and recorded the events. She evaluated and it’s this day that she left even when she kept going back when the invites came. Still cared so much, called and still said I love you to no response, took time to make unrefined calls and drove to visit a hall of emptiness. Maybe hoping something would wake up…

She had left that day after so many stories, stand ups, dropped calls, not feeling appreciated, being asked why she stays.

Even when she still burnt with love

She left because the emptiness, the hurt…it all wasn’t more like what she was meant to feel.

She had been gone a whole year before he got to realise.

When love starts to hurt..it stings and stinks. It’s no longer love..It’s loneliness demanding, it’s depression, it’s not feeling good enough for anything else.


Since You Left

sometimes the sky cries night after night
sometimes the cold hugs me, evening after evening
I sit in hope the sun will come out
I stay awake in hope i will hear you when u decide to come home
but then night after night
my loneliness itches
my love feeds on me
thoughts preoccupy myself
night after night I soak my pillow

a lot has happened since you left
my cheeks need no contouring,
my body needs no gym
you absence has done great making me a size 4
my heart?
I don’t feel it
am not sure if it’s still inside or you left with it
am not sure my blood pumps because even when the sun is out i am covered in blankets
do I still go to the mall?
no. am afraid they will ask why you didn’t come
so I am waiting on you
nothing has changed but
I still make dinner for two
wear my twin shirt on Fridays
and watch all the ball games on tv.
I still listen to your fav music and make you best dish every Wednesday

Am I lost?
No. My hope is frail
am withering
my breath is fleeting.


He was tired of waiting

Almost tired of praying

But that’s all he had, his knees

And bending them every day is what he knew

Waiting is hard he whispered

Tears collecting in his eyes

Fell to his knees and repeatedly said

Lord, I am tired,

On his stomach her lay

Loud moans coming out of him

Echoed by the emptiness of his soul

He was weary and exhausted

His soul was tired, his body was willing

Don’t I say my prayers right?

Am I missing something?

Where have I gone wrong?

We knew he suffered but he never opened up

His petals where like of tulips

Force them open and the beauty is lost

I watched him pray,

I watched him clean up

I watched him eat

I searched his eyes for something

But nothing, they were blank

But his eyelids were swollen

I wondered….

Will he be fine?