Tag: grief

When the heart hurts

let this cup…overflow? no, not with this pain.
Let this cup…empty

when the heart hurts,it speaks.
every song that plays relates
every poetic line shouts
the tears flow
the food tastes different
the breeze hits different
the winter coat on a sunny day
the breath, the breath breaks

when the heart hurts
it goes to Calvary and bleeds
weeps for the time
like why the hell doesn’t time stand still
why the hell is the cloud over the head dark

yet when it hurts beautifully
the memories play, the smile never fades
insanity and mental health
depression because its holding on
holding unto a candle that burned out
ashes that can never rebuild
When the heart hurts,
therapy is never enough

no mental institute can resolve
no law can align it
When the heart hurts, it dies.
It doesn’t stop (i wonder why)
but it dies that nothing ever makes the same sense again
Its a prison with an open door, beautiful lawns and an empty house.

Alters

of the things that trouble hearts

lets think about the pandemic we survived

but the unemployment that troubles us

the dying economy

and the fat politicking

my heart bleeds for Italy

for my country men

for the medics

for myself, for the creatives

will they have a table laid today

of will they go hungry yet again today

will the infant have breast milk

the mother is starved, how will she lactate?

let me cry

for nothing

for the emptiness i feel

for nothing

but for the disappointment that aches my heart

for nothing

but for the empty alters

for nothing

but for many hopeless knees

for nothing

she needs to pay a geek!

no they are too expensive, she has no income

For nothing

i need therapy

no, i need to breathe!

But why Am i crying?

for the unexplained pain?

for the fake speech

for the corruption

or for the hungry family

and a man who has lost his sanity.

Let me weep in fact

for the man that has lost his esteem

he cant feed his family

for the woman that has lost herself

for the individual that has lost sanity

for the anxiety being brewed

and the served depression!

Allow me mourn

for a selfish state

selfish individuals

selfish…..nothing.

hopelessness…..

a failed economy

a sad generation and a coward one

fuck comfort!

we cant even afford it now

the pandemic went with it

yet you still prefer comfort to your rights

CRIMES OF PASSION

Sydney sims -unsplash

So, while I was scrolling through Facebook and twitter I land on this Obituary/ death announcement of an IHK nurse that was hacked to death by her husband INFRONT OF HER KIDS no you didn’t hear me. He axed her in the sight of her children. Well, according to the people that seem to know the story. But it’s not the first case. Women a buried in septic tanks.

Last week a video was posted the lady was smashing the man’s car and the man was recording while telling the kids “see your mother is mad” and she was asking him to stop feeding her kids with lies she isn’t mad. She was getting back at him for something but that’s a story we online don’t know so we can’t tell reason for reaction. She was criticized in all ways positive and negative but I got lots of questions on my mind and why such crimes seem justified and why the law has to first check the mental health of the criminal to be sure he is mentally steady. My heart sunk for the kids. The image, the sight will never depart. I really pray they find a home (without him) that will nurture them and console and love and take good care of them.

Now the questions. No matter the reason no one deserves to take another life in the name of anger and frustration and I wasn’t thinking nonsense.

We need to change the narrative and stop stigmatizing divorce. Now don’t get me wrong, I know what the bible says and I don’t support divorce, but if it is the only way our or reason to get sanity please get out even God loves the Divorcee (am sure he will understand or not). Especially because I don’t think all marriages are ordained by God. We force ourselves into some because we are pregnant, wealth, love, age, society, peer pressure whatever it is, lust even when we have all the red flags.

First of all it’s okay not to get married, society shouldn’t dictate. It’s okay not to want children or want one or four or 20 as you please not what the world says is right. Don’t give in for the sake of your sanity. It’s also okay to get married at 40 or whatever age you find it right and pleasing.

Did the deceased talk to people? Probably they told her to be strong and hang on.

Are we taught to stay in toxic relationships because we fear the aftermath, the kids, the things built together the memories we hold together? Okay for the sake of Marriage the kids will suffer the break up but they will also suffer consequences of a toxic union so make the right choice because Death shouldn’t be it no matter the choice. We tell these girls everything they should do soon as they hit adolescence but have we rejected the men?

What does a man do in a toxic relationship?

How do they deal with anger?

Many women, myself inclusive live in carelessness because we are taught as African women to uphold family honor and be patient even when it kills your mental, physical and emotional health. We take all the abuse ad “die heroes”.

Who started this narrative?

“That is how marriage is” seems to mean take everything thrown at you. Do you think Christ was stupid to die on the cross or when he said “if you burn marry but being alone is better” Did he build the institution on spite or you think he was drunk to preach love, love in Corinthians.

Why do we prefer to return home in coffins when we left in heels and makeup just at the expense of abuse? Don’t we love ourselves just enough!

Normal men that were groomed well, speak up! Don’t let this eat us all up because of few that were probably broken as young men

Do the church vows need to be revised from “till death do us part” because we shall really die?

My heart is bleeding yet I didn’t even know her in person. Rest in peace Violet Kakai

By sunset

being in a relationship won’t cure your loneliness
riding on the horseback into a sunset of a marriage wont cure your sadness
we win some and lose some
because love as it is doesn’t guarantee happiness

how can you be mad if you don’t remember?
to forgive is not always to forget
so stop making excuses because the hug is warm,
the sex is good,
and the heart wants what it wants
again..
don’t ride into a sunset of a marriage because
at dawn the tears will flow
the ache will return
the thumping will be loud
darkness will cloud you
but don’t say,
i was blind.
And don’t blame love

josh applegate

why are you accepting his ring when you haven’t forgotten
why is he on one knee when you both didn’t heal
love,
did i hear love
change?
are you God!
Love?
are you insane?
well when the sunrises, we shall be dressed in purple
with hankies and hymn books
silently crying at the church pews
our hearts grieving
his back being patted by another not you
and by sunset, you will be lowered
At sunrise we will walk the streets like nothing ever happened.

#Puzzledlines

of dried withered wild roses
the death scent stinks
they lay symmetrical as if they were on parade
and today, they lower yet another heart afar
next to the dusty concrete on my left.
i hear someone weep
she sat down her head laying on the concrete
she tries to dust it but her tears stain it
besides her are fresh wild roses
i want to walk by but
my tongue is tied and my legs frozen.
I simply look up to the skies and a thunder roars
a twirl plays and lifts the scent of death and grief with it.
far right a family sings kumbaya as they pay last respects
My thoughts run to hospital
i see the patients in ICU and emergency unit
i walk through the corridors and the smell death.
death, death

Grief the thief

I was thinking of coming home today. Suddenly my head rushed to presidents house and I was excited to come see you and tell you of our progress then grief that silly thing hit.

I forgot you are gone. Maybe that is what love does, never lets you forget. My thoughts still speak to me of you like you are still here. But this kinda heartache I feel even in my bones.

It will heal, someday but also maybe I need patience. I know it will get better,I will be fine but just not today. Maybe not soon.

I was smiling telling Nations of you and boom, stupid grief paused our moment for a few. Maybe grief is the price we pay for love. But also these are just my maybes.

I think I will miss you forever , like the stars miss the ☀️. Time only can tell.

I still do cry when I miss you. Sometimes I cry out of the blu….I can only hope

The day of this pic, you were “happy”.You said you wanted a full pic if you were to get an ID and no you still didn’t register.

All I have is my heart and in Thea I shall live with you.

Months gone but feels like yesterday!

Fuck grief

Fuck death

Fuck pain.

If love could have saved you

Women’s day

i cant say it gets better with time. I cant even say time heals because i don’t know what you are going through. I cant even relate my dear. I want to say all those words, i want to hold and hug you. I want to say i am sorry but well how do i even start when i do not have the silentest idea of what you are going through.

How do i ask you to be strong and stop crying? How do i begin to explain God will fall through and hasn’t forgotten?

Yes You

Woman that suffered a still birth. I have no idea how it feels to carry and not hold or even take home for a day

that has suffered a miscarriage

that wants and desires to conceive. The Dr said you are alright but no results

That has held but hasn’t been blessed to seem them grow.

that is suffering from endometriosis

that is suffering from fistula

that is raising those bundles of joy on your own

How do i tell you its getting better and i am praying with you.Maybe sometimes we don’t have to say anything but sit besides you and make your smile abit, let our hearts do all the talking.

However, i celebrate you. I admire your strength and i pray that God sees you through

Granny

27th June,

She is here, Grandma.

Today Facebook reminded me, i thought it will just be another memory

but then, Facebook doesn’t know which memories we like to re-read or not

i said i wouldn’t cry but now i feel my nose do that thing it does when i hold tears back hard

She is here!

she has her father’s smile and Bugingo’s eyes. she is Beautiful, grandma.

Just like you always said she would be one day

She is warm like her father and Jolly like her mama (haha)

I know you have seen her

she is petite too and has very beautiful hair

Ooh Lord!! she is Cake. And i love her

Yes i have too much of that to pour out

I have told her alot about you

and yes, she loves her names.

 

Still waters run deep and sometimes i feel like inside me is an ocean full of unsaid words

#UgBlogWeek. The Future of Story Telling #Day4

I was raised in a society that was never silent. It was unusual to spend the day with no Drama or have a silent night. It was either a woman screaming from domestic abuse, or footsteps thumping because a thief had escaped or a drunkard singing or loud music playing because someone bought a new radio. During in day it was policemen patrolling and drunkards trying to save the thief because its someone they grew up with, or co wives fighting. It was never silent as this morning.

He came alone on a police motorbike. The mob was furious. “Are you going to carry the corpse on your head?” Yet in the beginning they were all afraid of making the police report because they were afraid of being called suspects in the murder. He came with a notebook and after the hauling, he sent for a patrol and police dog. But like you know our societies, they had already stepped over the place but luckily the chairman had come quick and told them they were tampering with evidence incase they brought a police dog and even told them its easy for the Dog to report them when they are innocent (not sure how true that is). Anyway, she had been murdered, undressed and packed into a sack. No one recognised her so we couldn’t tell she was from the same village. But when the police dog arrived, it quickly took turn into the neighboring village. We have been watching these murders on news, hearing about them and as much as my society used to have drama, murders were never part of it. Rape a couple of times and just because we know each other try to have each others backs doesn’t make all our sins justified for the law. However, I was told about “Mayumba Kumi”. It’s hard to find a fenced house in my society, those fenced have no gates, so they are still accessible. It’s easy to tell who is new on the village because the village Drunkard will announce, The people’s chairman (we choose one just for just nothing political) Is always alerted. The water collection centers know because we don’t have many so either way one has to fetch from either of the five and the owners will tell the face is new.

Anyway, its #UgBlogWeek and the theme Whats your vision of the future of story telling. The silence on my village this morning wasnt because they were in shock, They were actually scared. They were afraid to speak. The Future will have more of these, media will be censored and people will be afraid to tell their stories. how does one tell the world they were raped? As much as its okay, the stigma is real on certain things. we have got all these talks about HIV/Aids and the stigma is still not dead even with positive living. We have stories of friends disappearing for political reasons but no one is quick to question. we are afraid, we shall be more afraid. We shall tell tales and stories only in the comforts of our homes due to fear of being misheard or judged or misquoted. We shall go back to times of sitting at fires and telling our children what the media never got courage to let the world know. We will write/blog and still refuse to detail because we are afraid.

Who will go for us?