Tag: hurt

When the heart hurts

let this cup…overflow? no, not with this pain.
Let this cup…empty

when the heart hurts,it speaks.
every song that plays relates
every poetic line shouts
the tears flow
the food tastes different
the breeze hits different
the winter coat on a sunny day
the breath, the breath breaks

when the heart hurts
it goes to Calvary and bleeds
weeps for the time
like why the hell doesn’t time stand still
why the hell is the cloud over the head dark

yet when it hurts beautifully
the memories play, the smile never fades
insanity and mental health
depression because its holding on
holding unto a candle that burned out
ashes that can never rebuild
When the heart hurts,
therapy is never enough

no mental institute can resolve
no law can align it
When the heart hurts, it dies.
It doesn’t stop (i wonder why)
but it dies that nothing ever makes the same sense again
Its a prison with an open door, beautiful lawns and an empty house.

CRIMES OF PASSION

Sydney sims -unsplash

So, while I was scrolling through Facebook and twitter I land on this Obituary/ death announcement of an IHK nurse that was hacked to death by her husband INFRONT OF HER KIDS no you didn’t hear me. He axed her in the sight of her children. Well, according to the people that seem to know the story. But it’s not the first case. Women a buried in septic tanks.

Last week a video was posted the lady was smashing the man’s car and the man was recording while telling the kids “see your mother is mad” and she was asking him to stop feeding her kids with lies she isn’t mad. She was getting back at him for something but that’s a story we online don’t know so we can’t tell reason for reaction. She was criticized in all ways positive and negative but I got lots of questions on my mind and why such crimes seem justified and why the law has to first check the mental health of the criminal to be sure he is mentally steady. My heart sunk for the kids. The image, the sight will never depart. I really pray they find a home (without him) that will nurture them and console and love and take good care of them.

Now the questions. No matter the reason no one deserves to take another life in the name of anger and frustration and I wasn’t thinking nonsense.

We need to change the narrative and stop stigmatizing divorce. Now don’t get me wrong, I know what the bible says and I don’t support divorce, but if it is the only way our or reason to get sanity please get out even God loves the Divorcee (am sure he will understand or not). Especially because I don’t think all marriages are ordained by God. We force ourselves into some because we are pregnant, wealth, love, age, society, peer pressure whatever it is, lust even when we have all the red flags.

First of all it’s okay not to get married, society shouldn’t dictate. It’s okay not to want children or want one or four or 20 as you please not what the world says is right. Don’t give in for the sake of your sanity. It’s also okay to get married at 40 or whatever age you find it right and pleasing.

Did the deceased talk to people? Probably they told her to be strong and hang on.

Are we taught to stay in toxic relationships because we fear the aftermath, the kids, the things built together the memories we hold together? Okay for the sake of Marriage the kids will suffer the break up but they will also suffer consequences of a toxic union so make the right choice because Death shouldn’t be it no matter the choice. We tell these girls everything they should do soon as they hit adolescence but have we rejected the men?

What does a man do in a toxic relationship?

How do they deal with anger?

Many women, myself inclusive live in carelessness because we are taught as African women to uphold family honor and be patient even when it kills your mental, physical and emotional health. We take all the abuse ad “die heroes”.

Who started this narrative?

“That is how marriage is” seems to mean take everything thrown at you. Do you think Christ was stupid to die on the cross or when he said “if you burn marry but being alone is better” Did he build the institution on spite or you think he was drunk to preach love, love in Corinthians.

Why do we prefer to return home in coffins when we left in heels and makeup just at the expense of abuse? Don’t we love ourselves just enough!

Normal men that were groomed well, speak up! Don’t let this eat us all up because of few that were probably broken as young men

Do the church vows need to be revised from “till death do us part” because we shall really die?

My heart is bleeding yet I didn’t even know her in person. Rest in peace Violet Kakai

By sunset

being in a relationship won’t cure your loneliness
riding on the horseback into a sunset of a marriage wont cure your sadness
we win some and lose some
because love as it is doesn’t guarantee happiness

how can you be mad if you don’t remember?
to forgive is not always to forget
so stop making excuses because the hug is warm,
the sex is good,
and the heart wants what it wants
again..
don’t ride into a sunset of a marriage because
at dawn the tears will flow
the ache will return
the thumping will be loud
darkness will cloud you
but don’t say,
i was blind.
And don’t blame love

josh applegate

why are you accepting his ring when you haven’t forgotten
why is he on one knee when you both didn’t heal
love,
did i hear love
change?
are you God!
Love?
are you insane?
well when the sunrises, we shall be dressed in purple
with hankies and hymn books
silently crying at the church pews
our hearts grieving
his back being patted by another not you
and by sunset, you will be lowered
At sunrise we will walk the streets like nothing ever happened.

Nothing between us

You short butterflies in my tummy

Yet ignored the smile

I blamed the dust and wind when my eyes watered

Maybe there was nothing between us but

120 days ago I was heart broken

I sat at my fav cafe sipping tea

The spices were too strong my eyes watered

You walked up to me

Told me you have been watching me for years

We became friends

I promised I wasn’t ready or you would be a rebound

But your sweet soul took me to dinner

Asked me out,

When I asked for time you became elusive

Stopped calling and texted only when necessary

I didn’t reject you

When I said wait for me is because I didn’t want to hurt you

I needed to be sure my feelings weren’t playing

I just needed a couple of weeks to place and settle my hurt but

 

You shot the butterflies in my stomach

Blamed the dust for the water in my eyes

Ignored not just my smile

Told me you weren’t willing to wait

Yet you had already waited 730 days

Acted like you had never known me

Maybe you were right

There was nothing between us

But why do I still gape at the sight of you

Why does my stomach flip

And my tongue ties?

I know you feel the same way

But maybe there’s nothing between us

 

Survival

First we adhered

Then hunger attacked us

The same men that sent us to exile

And promised to feed us

Abused and called us ungrateful

What if it was all a myth

A scramble for power at the expense of the citizens

What if it never really existed

And you just needed to withdraw money from the masses

What if it’s just a super game plan

First they got scared

They prayed silently for God to rescue the land

Then they noticed it wasn’t going anywhere

And a lot of politics was being played

At the expense of their survival

Do you know how hurt they are

How many lives are lost to hunger not covid

Or how many the security men have battered

Curfew was okay,

But how do you support a cause you know nothing about?

If they could all turn to the streets

If they could all have courage to sue you

If you could reach out once and know the pain

They have suffered with the economy

That to some, living is better than death

But here we are

Jobless and hungry

With loads of work but no money to pay support

With decaying goods no one is buying

Because breath isn’t a luxury,

Food and clothes has become a none basic need

We are struggling to see the next sun

Watching news daily waiting an address

Weeping due to domestic violence and child abuse

Trying to understand the panic media caused

Believing it wasn’t politics being played

Praying that we still have jobs

Even with salaries cut

Geeks are as expensive as mental health

Yet we have no choice but to survive

It’s not survival for the fittest.

It’s just SURVIVAL

Love and goodbyes

Nothing changed in the last 20 years

He kisses her cheek and she smiles back but

When his wife calls out

He hides the photo in the closet

Acts like he was looking for something to wear

Acts like he didn’t hear the first time she called

He fakes it until she taps his shoulder

Sometimes love isn’t enough

But what hurts more?

Lying to the one you hold

Or spending twenty years with hurt

She knew she wasn’t the love of his life

Infact, she knew he wasn’t in love with her

Maybe just the idea of her

But years kept giving her hope

His actions spoke different

She was prepared but again it hurt like hell

She noticed his heart skipped at the park

He saw her again after twenty years

She was all he ever wanted

She saw how anxious he got

Then she knew, her time was up

Darling, she said

I know for twenty years you still kept her photo

Twenty years, you kissed her cheek

And still called her name in your dreams.

Just take care of our children

And I hope she is available for you

She returned home with a broken heart

Packed her bags and left a note

“For 10 years I planned this

But I didn’t have courage

Or I was in denial

But he will never love me like her

Even when I prepared,

I am breaking so bad.

Goodbye”

Grief the thief

I was thinking of coming home today. Suddenly my head rushed to presidents house and I was excited to come see you and tell you of our progress then grief that silly thing hit.

I forgot you are gone. Maybe that is what love does, never lets you forget. My thoughts still speak to me of you like you are still here. But this kinda heartache I feel even in my bones.

It will heal, someday but also maybe I need patience. I know it will get better,I will be fine but just not today. Maybe not soon.

I was smiling telling Nations of you and boom, stupid grief paused our moment for a few. Maybe grief is the price we pay for love. But also these are just my maybes.

I think I will miss you forever , like the stars miss the ☀️. Time only can tell.

I still do cry when I miss you. Sometimes I cry out of the blu….I can only hope

The day of this pic, you were “happy”.You said you wanted a full pic if you were to get an ID and no you still didn’t register.

All I have is my heart and in Thea I shall live with you.

Months gone but feels like yesterday!

Fuck grief

Fuck death

Fuck pain.

If love could have saved you

Together is a beautiful place

We came together from Egypt,

Where we were enslaved with emptiness and chained with hurt.

Our hands cuffed and souls chained with loneliness

With broken hearts we didn’t know what to do with.

We wore scars like our best attire, a stunning dress made of hell fire,

Some nights we cried more than we prayed.

But when I walked into your secret place,

And you let me lay down at your feet.

I knew i would call you love.

You strolled into my life like a thief, un-suspecting in the dark of the night,

Smelling of southern comfort and intelligence and filled with a sense of humor light as the sprinkles on cake frosting.

And I welcomed you.

I washed your feet with my tears and dried them with my hair.

You called it healing.

You called it the salvation that brought you to your knees to pop the question

and it reminded you of everything you missed.

Today, I dress you up as my temple,

I will cover you in scented candles and put gods to protect you.

Today, I’ll accept your love.

I won’t ask why me.

I will instead embrace it and say yes me.

I vow to love you with an attitude

An attitude of Christ

because you are still that woman my vision sang to.

Women’s day

i cant say it gets better with time. I cant even say time heals because i don’t know what you are going through. I cant even relate my dear. I want to say all those words, i want to hold and hug you. I want to say i am sorry but well how do i even start when i do not have the silentest idea of what you are going through.

How do i ask you to be strong and stop crying? How do i begin to explain God will fall through and hasn’t forgotten?

Yes You

Woman that suffered a still birth. I have no idea how it feels to carry and not hold or even take home for a day

that has suffered a miscarriage

that wants and desires to conceive. The Dr said you are alright but no results

That has held but hasn’t been blessed to seem them grow.

that is suffering from endometriosis

that is suffering from fistula

that is raising those bundles of joy on your own

How do i tell you its getting better and i am praying with you.Maybe sometimes we don’t have to say anything but sit besides you and make your smile abit, let our hearts do all the talking.

However, i celebrate you. I admire your strength and i pray that God sees you through