Tag: hurt

Taata William

A couple of months ago we were all excited in his behalf. He had wanted this child so much so God gave him a boy as he had prayed. His madam, was worried because her pressure kept playing tricks the whole pregnancy and it’s in this time she told us about her failing heart.

The Doctors in small clinics kept referring her to the big hospital through out bug the lord had heard her cries. In due time, the hospital she planned to birth at sent her away to another because they were scared on taking the risk of a c-section with the condition of her heart. Gladly, they found one that worked on her and in no time they were home with their baby boy.

I know she had wanted a girl but he had wanted a boy and the lord Delivered what he believed was better. “Mungu tagera kibi” I told her.

Daily she went about her duties, cleaning and looking after her little family. I gifted her Bottles and wanzies my girl never got to use because she was a tiny one. We were happy for her. And we had long forgotten the blood pressure and heart. Taata William was over the roof as a new dad.

Last week she was hanging clothes by the line like she does on a daily , sat around the veranda made a meal for her family and I promise she was healthy and full of life or let’s say physically she was okay and she didnt complain of anything until the night.

At about midnight, taata william came for to door banging…”munyambe Mama William anfako” puzzled some of us looked because I mean she was okay.

“Did you fight?”the old lady asked.

‘No, she was feeding Willaim and out of no where she said she was out of breath nd in less than a minute she was down” he said crying.

Immediately we found a neighbor to drive her to hospital for she had started releasing foam from her mouth and nose.

At hospital they were almost held back. Mama William died long before she left the house. Everything happened so first. The hospital gave her back and in no time, burial was arranged. They were not wedded, not even traditionally, the chaos of our child begun. He was grieving, they were grieving but also blaming him for never having officially married their daughter. He had a son to think about, he was puzzled…

Burial happened quick, he got back home to look after his son with his mother and brother staying back to help out.

I say him today, his shirt hanging over his shoulders like a wet shirt on the line. His joy was long gone. I didnt know what to say, I wanted to hug him so tight and have him cry it out and maybe scream but all that would seem strange. I stood aside looking at him as he held his chin in his palm, his mother on the veranda feeding William who is two and half months old.

William must be wondering where the boob is for the last one week but also she had bottle started on him, so he knew both boob nd bottle. He must be wondering why he doesnt smell his mother anymore… but more than William, I feel after the dad. He was excited for this new family and now all that happiness has been wiped away from his face. He is often lost in thought , he even hasnt resumed work. He must be worrying about his little boy, if he will ever be enough for him, if they will grow together, wondering if he will ever find another woman, wondering if he will ever heal from this heart ache.

“Mukama tagera kibi” I tell him.

Mama Nations, ekyo kitufu naye teyantegese bulungi, my faith is wavering. I have lots of questions and I have no one to answer them because the God I have served all these years doesnt answer up as quickly as we ask. I am empty and in pain and lost for expression.

I couldn’t hug him. So we sat apart stating in space.

Single mother

Would you love me if,

You saw me physically?

This might work only behind our keyboards because,

The filters on my phone,

Have modeled me into my dream woman,

the teenage version of me.

See, my new name is “single mother”

Not that I regret my son but,

I’m no longer the high school slender babe

The one all the boys died to have

The one all the maidens thought was perfect.

I am a shadow,. No, I’m a painting.

My tummy is now a mini pot

Stretch marks run like water falls from my tummy to thighs

My boobs are not perky.

In fact they hang like punching bags so

I Never go without a bra.

My face is pale like I do not own any lotion

But I do,

however, the glow that comes with being loved..

Eluded me long time

And my heart…..😔😔😔😒😒

My chest……..are empty

Curfew & hand cuffs finale

Another bang got him slowly pulling out of me and walking over to the window to peep. Looks like you will need to replace the gate. I quickly carried my naked self, my juices still dripping down my thighs to the window. Paul , that son of a bitch! Said under my breath. Your former? He asked staring at me with one brow raised. I nodded and quickly went over to grab my robe. Please dress before this drama heats up. I got you..he said.

I stormed through the door not even sparing his wife a glance walked to him and slapped him hard. Just because you were banging me and paid for this place gives you no right. Absolutely no right to drive in like that. Excuse me miss..the wife begun…..still not sparing her a glance I raised my palm indicating for her to shut it, Jake was now a few steps away, I could feel his eyes on me. Shut it woman. Your turn is coming. Now mr, what brings you over.?……The wife again, well, he kept saying you were just friends when suspected and now he brought me to confirm. I looked at Paul whose eyes were now on Jake who was barefoot and bare chested. So, please leave my man, she continued,we have kids and another on the way. I could see the fire in Paul’s eyes.

Well, he is all yours I said walking over to Jake. But before I could reach him, she grabbed me . So you are agreeing to sleeping with him. I turned to her winching. So, you thought I was a Good Samaritan when I made that call? First of all he was never yours. He might never be but I don’t want him anymore either. I didn’t see the slap coming. But the two men did and both stopped it before it could land. I turned to Paul, take your wife home, make sure you replace my gate because as you can see walking over to Jake and wrapping my arms around him, I am busy. I kissed him…it tasted like finally!!!

Paul stood there like heavy rains had hit him. His wife screaming hard in his ears but I bet he couldn’t hear her. Tears rolled down his face and after like what seemed forever, they got into their car and drove off.

We will replace the gate. Jake said taking me in his arms, into a warm hug. Then he whispered…first, I am going to kiss your fears way, then, I will make you scream again.

Why men drink

I know why men drink

To numb the pain in their bones

And dress their emotions

To Gain confidence and Silence thoughts

To Uncover demons and underlying intentions

I know why men drink

To convince society that it was alcohol

Not just a sober them

After all a dead man in court is as good as a drunko

To boost his speech when silence fails

To fill the hollow feeling of emptiness,

He empties the glass.

I know why men drink,

To merry make. Its a celebration

To be someone else for a minute

To express joy they can’t put in words

To quench a thirst water can’t solve

To network and socialize easily

But pay with a damn hangover headache

Promising themselves not to do it again

I know why men drink

To mourn,🤷‍♀️

To keep up appearances

Because it’s a habit

For healing,

Yes healing of bacteria of the throats and colon

Healing of a heart

Healing of a stressful day

Healing frustration

Healing overwhelm

Healing fear of not fitting in…

Just healing.

I know why men drink.

It’s no reason at all

By the way, kadaliblog has been selected amongst the top 100 blogs on the internet and we rank 27

https://blog.feedspot.com/poetry_blogs/

She Changed

She lay next to me but

Her touch was foreign

Like she had forgotten who I was

Her embrace belonged to a stranger

She changed

I could see it in her eyes

They were full of emptiness

I could hear it in her tone,

It was blunt and cold

Her speech bore no emotions

She isn’t the same

And she isn’t coming back

I lost her long way before I noticed

She was rehearsing life without me

But I was too occupied with my own emotions

Crowned by my ego

I lost her and I will never be me agains

 

#puzzledlines21-1

when night comes

don’t hold out your palm

don’t keep the candle burning

please don’t sit out waiting on me

don’t keep the candle burning,

not for me and not for yourself

when dawn falls,

watch over my seed

water it, take care of it

when the storm blows

stay steadfast

in love and faith.

fir when the night calms,

my heart will be at peace

sleepwell sis. One year gone and you are still here

Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com

unfinished paintings

how are you, she asked

Pointing to her chest, she said

i am okay i guess

but in here, hurts like hell

her eyes swollen from last nights crying

she frame looking tired and

simply hanging over her body like a jacket

her eyes staring deep into empty space

i gave him everything i had in me

my time and energy

the last punch was questioning my character and humiliating me

she added,

Unfinished paintings always bring sad memories

Do not leave the painting unfinished

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

#Puzzledline41

Emotions loitered a lot

Because the heart and mind are busy streets

We battled with the bruises and patches

Seven years,eight hours

We buried the last pieces of you

We held long to confirm you were gone

The heart contemplated five years

The mind two years

And yet again acceptance came one month ago

Thank you for holding hands

For leading us to the bus stop

Love wasn’t enough

Thank you for your belief

It’s the end of the road

You held too long even when you fell out of love

We know your heart was gone three years in

But you held hands four more

Today we buried the remaining pieces

Way after the heart has healed

And the mind accepted

Grief no longer plays ping pong

Emotions playing no pinky ponky

Thank you for your patience

And for putting a meaning to friendships

When the heart hurts

let this cup…overflow? no, not with this pain.
Let this cup…empty

when the heart hurts,it speaks.
every song that plays relates
every poetic line shouts
the tears flow
the food tastes different
the breeze hits different
the winter coat on a sunny day
the breath, the breath breaks

when the heart hurts
it goes to Calvary and bleeds
weeps for the time
like why the hell doesn’t time stand still
why the hell is the cloud over the head dark

yet when it hurts beautifully
the memories play, the smile never fades
insanity and mental health
depression because its holding on
holding unto a candle that burned out
ashes that can never rebuild
When the heart hurts,
therapy is never enough

no mental institute can resolve
no law can align it
When the heart hurts, it dies.
It doesn’t stop (i wonder why)
but it dies that nothing ever makes the same sense again
Its a prison with an open door, beautiful lawns and an empty house.

CRIMES OF PASSION

Sydney sims -unsplash

So, while I was scrolling through Facebook and twitter I land on this Obituary/ death announcement of an IHK nurse that was hacked to death by her husband INFRONT OF HER KIDS no you didn’t hear me. He axed her in the sight of her children. Well, according to the people that seem to know the story. But it’s not the first case. Women a buried in septic tanks.

Last week a video was posted the lady was smashing the man’s car and the man was recording while telling the kids “see your mother is mad” and she was asking him to stop feeding her kids with lies she isn’t mad. She was getting back at him for something but that’s a story we online don’t know so we can’t tell reason for reaction. She was criticized in all ways positive and negative but I got lots of questions on my mind and why such crimes seem justified and why the law has to first check the mental health of the criminal to be sure he is mentally steady. My heart sunk for the kids. The image, the sight will never depart. I really pray they find a home (without him) that will nurture them and console and love and take good care of them.

Now the questions. No matter the reason no one deserves to take another life in the name of anger and frustration and I wasn’t thinking nonsense.

We need to change the narrative and stop stigmatizing divorce. Now don’t get me wrong, I know what the bible says and I don’t support divorce, but if it is the only way our or reason to get sanity please get out even God loves the Divorcee (am sure he will understand or not). Especially because I don’t think all marriages are ordained by God. We force ourselves into some because we are pregnant, wealth, love, age, society, peer pressure whatever it is, lust even when we have all the red flags.

First of all it’s okay not to get married, society shouldn’t dictate. It’s okay not to want children or want one or four or 20 as you please not what the world says is right. Don’t give in for the sake of your sanity. It’s also okay to get married at 40 or whatever age you find it right and pleasing.

Did the deceased talk to people? Probably they told her to be strong and hang on.

Are we taught to stay in toxic relationships because we fear the aftermath, the kids, the things built together the memories we hold together? Okay for the sake of Marriage the kids will suffer the break up but they will also suffer consequences of a toxic union so make the right choice because Death shouldn’t be it no matter the choice. We tell these girls everything they should do soon as they hit adolescence but have we rejected the men?

What does a man do in a toxic relationship?

How do they deal with anger?

Many women, myself inclusive live in carelessness because we are taught as African women to uphold family honor and be patient even when it kills your mental, physical and emotional health. We take all the abuse ad “die heroes”.

Who started this narrative?

“That is how marriage is” seems to mean take everything thrown at you. Do you think Christ was stupid to die on the cross or when he said “if you burn marry but being alone is better” Did he build the institution on spite or you think he was drunk to preach love, love in Corinthians.

Why do we prefer to return home in coffins when we left in heels and makeup just at the expense of abuse? Don’t we love ourselves just enough!

Normal men that were groomed well, speak up! Don’t let this eat us all up because of few that were probably broken as young men

Do the church vows need to be revised from “till death do us part” because we shall really die?

My heart is bleeding yet I didn’t even know her in person. Rest in peace Violet Kakai