Tag: life

#PuzzledLines

I sit here with stones in my chest

filling up space where hope used to lie

looking at life and wondering

what is self love

what is selfishness

what is love even

Love?

that thing that i aborted from the chambers of my heart

that feeling that i don’t want to feel again

i get goosed up each time a man makes a pass

or even innocently …(no, nothing is innocent about men)

genuinely…(i don’t think the word works)

but that point when they seem to actually feel

But he did show all that Until my 10th birthday

When he sneaked into my room

wearing his white tunic and his grey beard almost glowing

Now,

I sit here with stones in my chest

filling up space where hope used to lie

continuously trying to convince people am good enough

or am lovable

They say love is effortless

it comes naturally

but how effortless

how do you find beauty in the broken

a kind of broken that only finds love in a wine bottle

and hope in a glass of tequila?

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His scent….

I don’t know where he has been

What he has been doing

better still what he has endured for the day

His face covered in pimple sweat drops

His pleated sleeves neatly folded to his elbows

Smartly ironed trousers

But his scent……

He wore no cologne

Didn’t smell sweet either

He smelled like a tire

Or let’s say, a mixture of tire, sweat and bad deodorant

Gave him a scent similar to that of a he-goat

Do his women find his scent sexy?

Do sportsmen smell like this and still distribute hugs

Is this a scent of hustle

But like I said

I don’t know where he has been or he is going to?

I don’t even know half the things on his mind

Growing up can tire sometimes

Maybe sometimes this scent is allowed

Especially when not sweating on someone before taking a birth

Granny

27th June,

She is here, Grandma.

Today Facebook reminded me, i thought it will just be another memory

but then, Facebook doesn’t know which memories we like to re-read or not

i said i wouldn’t cry but now i feel my nose do that thing it does when i hold tears back hard

She is here!

she has her father’s smile and Bugingo’s eyes. she is Beautiful, grandma.

Just like you always said she would be one day

She is warm like her father and Jolly like her mama (haha)

I know you have seen her

she is petite too and has very beautiful hair

Ooh Lord!! she is Cake. And i love her

Yes i have too much of that to pour out

I have told her alot about you

and yes, she loves her names.

 

Still waters run deep and sometimes i feel like inside me is an ocean full of unsaid words

Taxi tales

I see him almost every other time that i take a taxi after work. Clad in his Kaunda shirt, his beard greying and unkempt. His eyes, his eyes….He clenches his green hankie in his right hand and pockets his left firmly into the front pockets of his Kaunda. He usually sits right next to the conductor even if the taxi was empty when he got in.

Thoughts in my head “he is old, he should be home resting while his kids take care of him or probably doing something that wont have him moving“. Once i was lost in thought when i saw another man probably in his late 60s. He looked famished and worn out, he was slouching but he was slashing outside an office. my heart sunk, my mind wondered again.

I saw the old man yesterday morning, around 7am. I am not sure if it was his son or grandson, he was in company of a young boy who looked slightly like him. The young boy who was wearing an old uniform and canvas without socks held his hand and led him to the Taxi and waited till he sat. At his usual sit, wearing his usual clothes. I found out this day that he was blind, i prefer to say visually impaired. At first i always thought he had squints but today i found out he wasn’t. His left hand was also impaired and in his pocket he was tightly holding unto 5000shs that he was using as taxi fare (guessing he holds it so he doesn’t have to be cheated by people he cant trust to tell him what exact note he is holding). I wanted to know his story, i was dying to see who picks him up when he gets to his stop, i wanted to be able to help maybe share my 1000shs with him. But i was at the back, i couldn’t even whisper to him and i got off before he did.

i hope i see him again, i hope i can have a cup of tea with him but i am afraid he might never want to sit down for tea with a stranger.

Nations -9

17/6/2018

Today i felt movements while i sat at my desk. I surely have been worried about this because friends said by now i should be feeling some stretches. Truth is i still dont know if what i felt are movements or gas, i just haven yet learnt how to well distinguish every thing i feel but moving on….am excited. Yesterday i did introduce you to music, dont worry i will make sure everyday u have a musical session however am afraid to say it will only be gospel especially worship. (i know u know why)

Well, i cant wait to learn how to distinguish…Google said, first time it takes a while but dont worry about google…i am attentive.

WRITING

Sipping my tea at a cafe
I saw them,

holding hands and laughing as they sipped on their smoothies
i felt them,

warm and watery. The tears ran on my rounded cheeks onto my cup.

I sniffed.
You were the poison

And yet I kept drinking from your cup.

I could have broken under the weight of my past,

trying to rectify and please
maybe question and sulk.

I don’t even know why i kept coming back but i guess it was revision not to repeat the same mistake twice.

Your mess was a qualification for my love.
I let my love pull down the strongholds of those memories and silence the accusing voices and i loved HIM

gave him my heart like it hadn’t been hurt before
gave him my soul like it was a lollipop,
i let him take total control
i wasn’t worried about another mess,
it was only one heart and i was positive it would heal
yet still, i had high hopes in HIM
since then, its been handled like a fine piece of glass,

an accolade
and i am at rest

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Nations 8

12/5/18

I would like that you know the things I love. Life should never be as complicated as the world paints it.

Today I will tell you about my grandma. Your great grandma at that. She is late and maybe I didn’t realize how much I had grown so attached to her until she took her last breath. I love very many people with time you will know.

Mukya, I called her. We shared many things. When I went to the village my grandpa (lord bless his soul) would leave his bed for us. I did love him but maybe God took him before I got to understand him or spend so much time with him. I didn’t frequent the village because the environment change didn’t favor my health a lot and I am my dad’s little wallet. Well, when mukya came to Kampala, we shared a bedroom. Our mornings began with a sleepy long prayer that would wake you if you hoped to continue after and they ended with a prayer that got you dosing but made sure the Amen was heard. Our days were full of hymns in Runyankole. She spoke English only she and I understood. We sang rock of ages till the words stung deep, called Yesu until he said here I am, complained of pain and naked women in music videos, questioned why almost every tv soap had crying women but most of the day we were thankful. Oh yes, we were very thankful that I forgot how to ask God for certain things and be thankful for every small thing because every day was a blessing. We talked about boys and makeup and made jokes about ministers wives because she was one. Oh, she hated lazy everything with her whole life. She liked to work that even in pain she grabbed a hoe. I don’t know how to dig but I promise to pass on everything I learned. (God as my strength)

Am not perfect. Everyday I will fall short even as your mom. But I promise to be on your Team always.

Nations-7

today, we heard your heartbeat while doing the genetic scan and we laughed at how loud it was. Your father said you would be a noisy child and we laughed about it. we missed recording it (your father was too taken up). But he managed to do some recordings of your movements.

you are healthy and i have put on 6kgs this month alone. I am enjoying the journey. Slowly but surely and everyday i say Thank you to God because he has made us Glad!

28/04/2018

Nations-6

Omanyi Katonda asobola Okukyusa eriinya lyo n’ovamu eggwanga Ddamba?

And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great; And so you shall be a blessing; 3And I will bless those who bless you, And the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed.”…

I think i somehow mentioned i dont remember how i concluded at calling you a “Nations”, well, i got it. this was it. Genesis 12:2-4:

I dont Know if i told you about how Dr John laughed at me when i told him i didnt know how to be pregnant or even how to do this thing. But then i neither dont know how i breath, so i answered myself when i went home. God will teach me. this is it.

8/04/2018

I WAS CRUCIFIED

I was crucified…
yes, down on my bed
with ropes of love
and thorns of passion
I was tied down
my body teased till I burnt with so much passion
that my juices couldn’t stop to flow
the only crime was horn
a horn only nature can define
I said i was burning and instead of putting the fire out,
firewood was placed and petrol was sprinkled.
the thieves at my chest saluted in mockery as a petal brushed over them
the river in between my legs lawwd
its turning into a waterfall
one I am not able to control and yet,
his tongue still teases my clit

I am crucified, for a crime I am not guilty
but for a pleasure I love
I wanna keep going
but my breath is giving way
I am whizzing in between my moans
his hands choking me at every thrust
I clench my fists,
I tilt my head
but there’s no room for body movement
my body is speaking a different kinda language today,
my voice is playing a unique note
because this new strummer is a specialist

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