If I told you about my darkness, Would you still look at me like I am the sun? I will never be a poem beautifully written Neither a beautiful sunset … Continue reading Lost.
A couple of months ago we were all excited in his behalf. He had wanted this child so much so God gave him a boy as he had prayed. His madam, was worried because her pressure kept playing tricks the whole pregnancy and it’s in this time she told us about her failing heart.
The Doctors in small clinics kept referring her to the big hospital through out bug the lord had heard her cries. In due time, the hospital she planned to birth at sent her away to another because they were scared on taking the risk of a c-section with the condition of her heart. Gladly, they found one that worked on her and in no time they were home with their baby boy.
I know she had wanted a girl but he had wanted a boy and the lord Delivered what he believed was better. “Mungu tagera kibi” I told her.
Daily she went about her duties, cleaning and looking after her little family. I gifted her Bottles and wanzies my girl never got to use because she was a tiny one. We were happy for her. And we had long forgotten the blood pressure and heart. Taata William was over the roof as a new dad.
Last week she was hanging clothes by the line like she does on a daily , sat around the veranda made a meal for her family and I promise she was healthy and full of life or let’s say physically she was okay and she didnt complain of anything until the night.
At about midnight, taata william came for to door banging…”munyambe Mama William anfako” puzzled some of us looked because I mean she was okay.
“Did you fight?”the old lady asked.
‘No, she was feeding Willaim and out of no where she said she was out of breath nd in less than a minute she was down” he said crying.
Immediately we found a neighbor to drive her to hospital for she had started releasing foam from her mouth and nose.
At hospital they were almost held back. Mama William died long before she left the house. Everything happened so first. The hospital gave her back and in no time, burial was arranged. They were not wedded, not even traditionally, the chaos of our child begun. He was grieving, they were grieving but also blaming him for never having officially married their daughter. He had a son to think about, he was puzzled…
Burial happened quick, he got back home to look after his son with his mother and brother staying back to help out.
I say him today, his shirt hanging over his shoulders like a wet shirt on the line. His joy was long gone. I didnt know what to say, I wanted to hug him so tight and have him cry it out and maybe scream but all that would seem strange. I stood aside looking at him as he held his chin in his palm, his mother on the veranda feeding William who is two and half months old.
William must be wondering where the boob is for the last one week but also she had bottle started on him, so he knew both boob nd bottle. He must be wondering why he doesnt smell his mother anymore… but more than William, I feel after the dad. He was excited for this new family and now all that happiness has been wiped away from his face. He is often lost in thought , he even hasnt resumed work. He must be worrying about his little boy, if he will ever be enough for him, if they will grow together, wondering if he will ever find another woman, wondering if he will ever heal from this heart ache.
“Mukama tagera kibi” I tell him.
Mama Nations, ekyo kitufu naye teyantegese bulungi, my faith is wavering. I have lots of questions and I have no one to answer them because the God I have served all these years doesnt answer up as quickly as we ask. I am empty and in pain and lost for expression.
I couldn’t hug him. So we sat apart stating in space.
My church was silent
Silent to my screams
Blind to my tears
When my temples hurt,
My feet bruised
And My heart ached,
The Holy Spirit moved not.
The choir didn’t sing.
When stomach was empty and
When my children were hungry
The hall was dead
The pews empty
The pastor didn’t preach.
when adultery knocked,
The trumpets resounded
The righteous spoke loudly
Hail Mary, and all the saints
Spoke in tongues
And when I left, the choir sung.
So loud that they burst the speakers
Sermon after sermon I was with blemish
The love they preached was spite
They rebuked my decisions
Challenged my opinions
Said I was berserk
And I had much to drink…
Only had they known it wasn’t wine
I convened at his feet
Waited at the well
Tithed my buttons
Fasted like Esther
Kissed his feet
For his love is better than wine
Would you love me if,
You saw me physically?
This might work only behind our keyboards because,
The filters on my phone,
Have modeled me into my dream woman,
the teenage version of me.
See, my new name is “single mother”
Not that I regret my son but,
I’m no longer the high school slender babe
The one all the boys died to have
The one all the maidens thought was perfect.
I am a shadow,. No, I’m a painting.
My tummy is now a mini pot
Stretch marks run like water falls from my tummy to thighs
My boobs are not perky.
In fact they hang like punching bags so
I Never go without a bra.
My face is pale like I do not own any lotion
But I do,
however, the glow that comes with being loved..
Eluded me long time
And my heart…..😔😔😔😒😒
My chest……..are empty
Another bang got him slowly pulling out of me and walking over to the window to peep. Looks like you will need to replace the gate. I quickly carried my naked self, my juices still dripping down my thighs to the window. Paul , that son of a bitch! Said under my breath. Your former? He asked staring at me with one brow raised. I nodded and quickly went over to grab my robe. Please dress before this drama heats up. I got you..he said.
I stormed through the door not even sparing his wife a glance walked to him and slapped him hard. Just because you were banging me and paid for this place gives you no right. Absolutely no right to drive in like that. Excuse me miss..the wife begun…..still not sparing her a glance I raised my palm indicating for her to shut it, Jake was now a few steps away, I could feel his eyes on me. Shut it woman. Your turn is coming. Now mr, what brings you over.?……The wife again, well, he kept saying you were just friends when suspected and now he brought me to confirm. I looked at Paul whose eyes were now on Jake who was barefoot and bare chested. So, please leave my man, she continued,we have kids and another on the way. I could see the fire in Paul’s eyes.
Well, he is all yours I said walking over to Jake. But before I could reach him, she grabbed me . So you are agreeing to sleeping with him. I turned to her winching. So, you thought I was a Good Samaritan when I made that call? First of all he was never yours. He might never be but I don’t want him anymore either. I didn’t see the slap coming. But the two men did and both stopped it before it could land. I turned to Paul, take your wife home, make sure you replace my gate because as you can see walking over to Jake and wrapping my arms around him, I am busy. I kissed him…it tasted like finally!!!
Paul stood there like heavy rains had hit him. His wife screaming hard in his ears but I bet he couldn’t hear her. Tears rolled down his face and after like what seemed forever, they got into their car and drove off.
We will replace the gate. Jake said taking me in his arms, into a warm hug. Then he whispered…first, I am going to kiss your fears way, then, I will make you scream again.
I know why men drink
To numb the pain in their bones
And dress their emotions
To Gain confidence and Silence thoughts
To Uncover demons and underlying intentions
I know why men drink
To convince society that it was alcohol
Not just a sober them
After all a dead man in court is as good as a drunko
To boost his speech when silence fails
To fill the hollow feeling of emptiness,
He empties the glass.
I know why men drink,
To merry make. Its a celebration
To be someone else for a minute
To express joy they can’t put in words
To quench a thirst water can’t solve
To network and socialize easily
But pay with a damn hangover headache
Promising themselves not to do it again
I know why men drink
To keep up appearances
Because it’s a habit
Yes healing of bacteria of the throats and colon
Healing of a heart
Healing of a stressful day
Healing fear of not fitting in…
I know why men drink.
It’s no reason at all
By the way, kadaliblog has been selected amongst the top 100 blogs on the internet and we rank 27
Heaven has no networks
But then how could I delete your number
I wanted to call you
But of course the ground has no phones
A whole lot
Tears and gratefulness
Emotions loitered a lot
Because the heart and mind are busy streets
We battled with the bruises and patches
Seven years,eight hours
We buried the last pieces of you
We held long to confirm you were gone
The heart contemplated five years
The mind two years
And yet again acceptance came one month ago
Thank you for holding hands
For leading us to the bus stop
Love wasn’t enough
Thank you for your belief
It’s the end of the road
You held too long even when you fell out of love
We know your heart was gone three years in
But you held hands four more
Today we buried the remaining pieces
Way after the heart has healed
And the mind accepted
Grief no longer plays ping pong
Emotions playing no pinky ponky
Thank you for your patience
And for putting a meaning to friendships
The red sunset lay behind me Like a pride of lions Fiercely hugging my back The rays going through my veins The pain in my chest. Today was hard. The … Continue reading Sorrow
Have you held back tears
Looked up, held breath
Just to avoid them from falling
Have you known the pain of watered eyes
And a broken soul
But you what to portray strength
Or perhaps you were in public
Have you held back tears
Because you don’t want to give pain victory
Or because you faith screams it’s well
Anha, did you hold them back because it’s well
Or perhaps the pain was too much you grew numb
Stopped feeling or refused to feel
Have you held back tears
Because you were afraid of your emotions?