Tag: lost

#puzzledlines31

Have you held back tears

Looked up, held breath

Just to avoid them from falling

Have you known the pain of watered eyes

And a broken soul

But you what to portray strength

Or perhaps you were in public

Have you held back tears

Because you don’t want to give pain victory

Or because you faith screams it’s well

Anha, did you hold them back because it’s well

Or perhaps the pain was too much you grew numb

Stopped feeling or refused to feel

Have you held back tears

Because you were afraid of your emotions?

#PuzzledLines25

i can’t remember the last time i felt a man’s hands play piano with my spine spine
neither do i remember the last time the tambourine on my waist shook
90 days feels like a year
i think i have forgotten how to tongue twist
and donate titles they don’t deserve
does it feel good?…
No. because the moment he walked through the door i knew it was like the last time
zero worship, straight to sermon
hit it, hit the shower and go home
then i am once again stuck in my bed
hugging my knees and eating candy
planning on the next movie
preparing to laugh to myself
because shit! i am empty!

By sunset

being in a relationship won’t cure your loneliness
riding on the horseback into a sunset of a marriage wont cure your sadness
we win some and lose some
because love as it is doesn’t guarantee happiness

how can you be mad if you don’t remember?
to forgive is not always to forget
so stop making excuses because the hug is warm,
the sex is good,
and the heart wants what it wants
again..
don’t ride into a sunset of a marriage because
at dawn the tears will flow
the ache will return
the thumping will be loud
darkness will cloud you
but don’t say,
i was blind.
And don’t blame love

josh applegate

why are you accepting his ring when you haven’t forgotten
why is he on one knee when you both didn’t heal
love,
did i hear love
change?
are you God!
Love?
are you insane?
well when the sunrises, we shall be dressed in purple
with hankies and hymn books
silently crying at the church pews
our hearts grieving
his back being patted by another not you
and by sunset, you will be lowered
At sunrise we will walk the streets like nothing ever happened.

Survival

First we adhered

Then hunger attacked us

The same men that sent us to exile

And promised to feed us

Abused and called us ungrateful

What if it was all a myth

A scramble for power at the expense of the citizens

What if it never really existed

And you just needed to withdraw money from the masses

What if it’s just a super game plan

First they got scared

They prayed silently for God to rescue the land

Then they noticed it wasn’t going anywhere

And a lot of politics was being played

At the expense of their survival

Do you know how hurt they are

How many lives are lost to hunger not covid

Or how many the security men have battered

Curfew was okay,

But how do you support a cause you know nothing about?

If they could all turn to the streets

If they could all have courage to sue you

If you could reach out once and know the pain

They have suffered with the economy

That to some, living is better than death

But here we are

Jobless and hungry

With loads of work but no money to pay support

With decaying goods no one is buying

Because breath isn’t a luxury,

Food and clothes has become a none basic need

We are struggling to see the next sun

Watching news daily waiting an address

Weeping due to domestic violence and child abuse

Trying to understand the panic media caused

Believing it wasn’t politics being played

Praying that we still have jobs

Even with salaries cut

Geeks are as expensive as mental health

Yet we have no choice but to survive

It’s not survival for the fittest.

It’s just SURVIVAL

Love and goodbyes

Nothing changed in the last 20 years

He kisses her cheek and she smiles back but

When his wife calls out

He hides the photo in the closet

Acts like he was looking for something to wear

Acts like he didn’t hear the first time she called

He fakes it until she taps his shoulder

Sometimes love isn’t enough

But what hurts more?

Lying to the one you hold

Or spending twenty years with hurt

She knew she wasn’t the love of his life

Infact, she knew he wasn’t in love with her

Maybe just the idea of her

But years kept giving her hope

His actions spoke different

She was prepared but again it hurt like hell

She noticed his heart skipped at the park

He saw her again after twenty years

She was all he ever wanted

She saw how anxious he got

Then she knew, her time was up

Darling, she said

I know for twenty years you still kept her photo

Twenty years, you kissed her cheek

And still called her name in your dreams.

Just take care of our children

And I hope she is available for you

She returned home with a broken heart

Packed her bags and left a note

“For 10 years I planned this

But I didn’t have courage

Or I was in denial

But he will never love me like her

Even when I prepared,

I am breaking so bad.

Goodbye”

Grief the thief

I was thinking of coming home today. Suddenly my head rushed to presidents house and I was excited to come see you and tell you of our progress then grief that silly thing hit.

I forgot you are gone. Maybe that is what love does, never lets you forget. My thoughts still speak to me of you like you are still here. But this kinda heartache I feel even in my bones.

It will heal, someday but also maybe I need patience. I know it will get better,I will be fine but just not today. Maybe not soon.

I was smiling telling Nations of you and boom, stupid grief paused our moment for a few. Maybe grief is the price we pay for love. But also these are just my maybes.

I think I will miss you forever , like the stars miss the ☀️. Time only can tell.

I still do cry when I miss you. Sometimes I cry out of the blu….I can only hope

The day of this pic, you were “happy”.You said you wanted a full pic if you were to get an ID and no you still didn’t register.

All I have is my heart and in Thea I shall live with you.

Months gone but feels like yesterday!

Fuck grief

Fuck death

Fuck pain.

If love could have saved you

All the men i ever loved

A

you had me at the poetry and letter writing. i remember making a vow never to misplace those papers on which you wrote. i walked with them daily so on the day i tore i didn’t exactly over think through it, it was a quick decision because i listened to my tears more than my heart. I still listen to the songs you and i loved. the ones you loved especially and the ones you dedicated to me. It was young, it was innocent, it was everything.

Your smile, its still vivid in my head like I’m looking at you right now. You smile so nice.

B

We are still at A because the heart wants what it wants, nothing like the first love but also. there’s “b” the fling and “C” the undefined and “D” the sympathy vote. I don’t know how it was played but A still holds position as the fling, the undefined and the sympathy vote keep me company. I mean, the distance was real. But the heart, its a dangerous place. Mostly here i was at the brain as the heart clinged unto you. You played ball and for the rest around me, you our minds related. So our conversations sailed. ballers were a thing but maybe i was just attracted to the body build, the sweat, soft spoken and your mind but not you, not your heart

C

the Undefined. You loved me a lot (or you lied) but on the other hand my heart was at A but my brain was playing tricks on me. When the distance tempts. It wasn’t you. It was me. The letters and lyrics were flowing again. the Poetry. We shared interests while you were just the single school excitement of boys clearly. My friends said you were hot, so when you hit, i smiled but not from my heart. From my head because i had to prove a point. Its why i never responded after i met you. Then “D” hmmm

D

besides the music and fashion sense and your story, i am not sure what else. Its unfortunate i was you everything yet i didn’t even know who i was to myself. You were good company but also not for me but, i love the way you loved me and stood by me. The way you guard (ed) me. Glad we are still friends. It means a lot. But A was gone even when the heart was confused. it was not you. It was E its always been E

E

If this is what women call witch craft, E, you are a wizard. Love at first sight that didn’t leave me standing. Leave alone your looks, i was attracted to your eyes, they spoke magic. I wasn’t hearing you speak half the time, i was always lost in your eyes. When you asked me out. i triple tripped. Juju at the highest. mills and boons romance. I actually didn’t need to read the novel. it was a jack pot..Jeez. No, even in my other life. I’m here but sadly i only know one life. The day i paid attention to the voice, i already knew your heart through your eyes. I felt the pulse in every touch and interlock when we held hands. Indian movies always talk of soul mates. You are mine. we speak the same language on everything. but then i was curious about F. His voice was magic

F.

This fool confused me. swept me off my feet for a while i forgot whether i was at E or A. smooth talker, good player, smart wire. Fool. What kind of package is this? well, the perfect flawed one i guess that no one reads through. its such a perfect sail like a researched PHD. These are gaps had to escape but when luck hits you run. MF you was too good to be true like a woman lesandro. If A wasn’t my friend anymore i wouldn’t have remembered E. I am glad we had each other.

G

God! Must have heard my heart because E&G was as close as nose to mouth. smooth. Back to our romantic novel scenes. I could write a book off this episode. Good things come to an End too just look book chapters

H

I wasn’t questioning love but a rebound wouldn’t have saved us.You were very impatient yet we could have been. We could have been happier while at it. The language was Latin but we communicated because we understood each other (maybe not) you wouldn’t have run off just like that. You didn’t give me a chance to speak, you were never going to hear me out amidst traffic, the hooting was loud but you refused to pack aside. the wind beneath my wings

I

I think i am moved by musical men. But you, you you………be glad I=J and yet J was just a voice no music.

J

The shortest, meaning fool, realist heart to heart ever heard. Because K read all the chapters up to Z before i completed the book

K

not my best friend, not my soulmate but like a wind, i was swept off my feet into the air. But the answered prayer. that the whole short answer and definition of everything. Answered Prayer

L

K,O,P,Q,R, S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z all under L. You are my constants. In life and Death tattooed on my heart. whether we speak same language or not. Whether love alone isn’t enough, whether we are soul mates or not, Whether you chose me or not

Love faces

i wanted there to be an us more than i wanted my next hurt beat
but i was in the relationship alone rather a situation-ship
ghosted the whole time and i still stayed
praying and hoping
see you made me believe the us could exist
because at your hand,
i was your sun
and out of sight i was just another wind
i was even confused
until valentines
when you made me believe the US is in capital letters only to be ghosted at night
i still stayed even with another woman’s picha in your wallet
i stayed even when the flags were at every corner

i stayed because my breath didn’t matter
you almost went away with all my stuff
but then, someone introduced me to happiness
and like a butterfly just learning to spread its wings,
off i went
the breath of life
the way the sun radiated against my skin that the sun looked dim. everything felt real
i felt life,
i felt alive
I knew what home felt like finally
i packed all my love

Of course i am made of water
even when i think i am made of steel
I’m not just a woman with no soul
I’m emotional

Never-ender final

when she started to hallucinate, she knew this whole relationship was a bad idea. She saw him in every male on the street or driving by. She would tap strangers and apologize. Was this who addicts feel?

She fell ill. He didn’t come to see her despite the messages she left. He read them but he didn’t react. To him it was another of the seasons, she will be fine and when he is ready he would see her. She stayed bedridden for months but also kept her Social media Time lines positive with photos she took in the past and didn’t post. She didn’t mention her illness like he expected.

One day, he called, the phone screen read Never ending…her sister picked up the phone.

“hello” she said. He immediately could tell it wasn’t her even when the voices sounded alike. She has never responded like that.

Hi, may i please speak…

Before he finished he said. Hey, i knew you would call, she had told me about you. she said you are like the wind, you blow her in all directions you want yet she cant catch you.She even doesn’t understand you. She thought she did at that start. But hey Mr never ending, your tree is in coma, the forest wasn’t thick enough. Hurry before the sunsets. Mulago private wing room 003

he couldn’t believe his ears. fell silent and after a while managed a “thank you.” the night had never been long like it was, soon as the first sun came out, he was on the ride. an hrs drive seemed like 8hrs. when he arrived, in all composure,his knees were failing him. He felt like he was suffocating. He stopped at the door to the reception area to breath in and out “why am i feeling like this”. He thought he had much power over her until this moment. it was clear, her effect on him was no joke he was tucking it away with his ego the whole while. His heart ached.

Hi am here to see a patient in room 003,

what is the name? the lady asked

he looked at her and for the first time ever he notices, he had never called her by name

Gwen,he said

the lady raised her face from the notes she was making. …

I am sorry but Gwen passed last night.

He didn’t know his knees and legs wouldn’t carry him to the waiting chairs, he didn’t expect his fall, but right there he was on the hospital floor, helpless. The sister he knew but had never physically met was coming from the other end of the corridor with doctors, she noticed him, pat him on the shoulder and asked the nurses to help him up to the chairs.

She owed him no explanation but none the less spoke without being asked.

“she tried to communicate. Check the ignored messages and emails” but well, she left a letter. I will go get it for you. she walked back to the corridor, disappeared at the far end and returned with a brown sealed envelop. Tears were uncontrollably running down his face. She didn’t just write one letter, Even the sister didn’t know. She left one in the envelop amidst the silence intervals.

When he composed himself, returned to his car, opened his phone, and went through the unread emails and texts. None mentioned what had killed her. He was ashamed to ask.

he scrolled through the pictures of her on his phone and wept! called up a friend to drive him home and keep him updated on burial plans. But when he got to read the first two letters, he realized, he wasn’t worth it. He wanted to apologize but it was late. Even in death she still loved him. while he just started to realize he suppressed his feelings this whole while. he went silent until two months later

He hasn’t been able to love again nor remove the photos of her in his house but he doesn’t know, She isn’t Dead, she was tired and her illness showed her how important she is to him after. She had included the sister and nurses in her plan. She was getting better on her sick bed but better only to love herself and suppress the feelings she had for him. The heart is a bitch, even after she healed the heart demanded

Sister: What next?

her: I love him deep. Maybe he loves me back. I have never doubted until now that i say it

Sister: So, why then…would you rather be sad?

Her: This match, isn’t heaven made.

#puzzledlines2020

A quiet heart doesn’t fret over its worries but then,
what should i do with the voices in my head

should i ignore my head for the memories it plays back or should i ignore my heart
should i burn the photographs,
erase all the good times and the sad
how do i deal with the memories we made together
how should i let go of you
to live like i have never known you
to walk past you like i had never run into your embrace
to wince like my smile had never beamed at the sight of a text from you
tell me, how to go on without you
do these thoughts confuse you too?