Category: GRACE


of the things that trouble hearts

lets think about the pandemic we survived

but the unemployment that troubles us

the dying economy

and the fat politicking

my heart bleeds for Italy

for my country men

for the medics

for myself, for the creatives

will they have a table laid today

of will they go hungry yet again today

will the infant have breast milk

the mother is starved, how will she lactate?

let me cry

for nothing

for the emptiness i feel

for nothing

but for the disappointment that aches my heart

for nothing

but for the empty alters

for nothing

but for many hopeless knees

for nothing

she needs to pay a geek!

no they are too expensive, she has no income

For nothing

i need therapy

no, i need to breathe!

But why Am i crying?

for the unexplained pain?

for the fake speech

for the corruption

or for the hungry family

and a man who has lost his sanity.

Let me weep in fact

for the man that has lost his esteem

he cant feed his family

for the woman that has lost herself

for the individual that has lost sanity

for the anxiety being brewed

and the served depression!

Allow me mourn

for a selfish state

selfish individuals



a failed economy

a sad generation and a coward one

fuck comfort!

we cant even afford it now

the pandemic went with it

yet you still prefer comfort to your rights


Sydney sims -unsplash

So, while I was scrolling through Facebook and twitter I land on this Obituary/ death announcement of an IHK nurse that was hacked to death by her husband INFRONT OF HER KIDS no you didn’t hear me. He axed her in the sight of her children. Well, according to the people that seem to know the story. But it’s not the first case. Women a buried in septic tanks.

Last week a video was posted the lady was smashing the man’s car and the man was recording while telling the kids “see your mother is mad” and she was asking him to stop feeding her kids with lies she isn’t mad. She was getting back at him for something but that’s a story we online don’t know so we can’t tell reason for reaction. She was criticized in all ways positive and negative but I got lots of questions on my mind and why such crimes seem justified and why the law has to first check the mental health of the criminal to be sure he is mentally steady. My heart sunk for the kids. The image, the sight will never depart. I really pray they find a home (without him) that will nurture them and console and love and take good care of them.

Now the questions. No matter the reason no one deserves to take another life in the name of anger and frustration and I wasn’t thinking nonsense.

We need to change the narrative and stop stigmatizing divorce. Now don’t get me wrong, I know what the bible says and I don’t support divorce, but if it is the only way our or reason to get sanity please get out even God loves the Divorcee (am sure he will understand or not). Especially because I don’t think all marriages are ordained by God. We force ourselves into some because we are pregnant, wealth, love, age, society, peer pressure whatever it is, lust even when we have all the red flags.

First of all it’s okay not to get married, society shouldn’t dictate. It’s okay not to want children or want one or four or 20 as you please not what the world says is right. Don’t give in for the sake of your sanity. It’s also okay to get married at 40 or whatever age you find it right and pleasing.

Did the deceased talk to people? Probably they told her to be strong and hang on.

Are we taught to stay in toxic relationships because we fear the aftermath, the kids, the things built together the memories we hold together? Okay for the sake of Marriage the kids will suffer the break up but they will also suffer consequences of a toxic union so make the right choice because Death shouldn’t be it no matter the choice. We tell these girls everything they should do soon as they hit adolescence but have we rejected the men?

What does a man do in a toxic relationship?

How do they deal with anger?

Many women, myself inclusive live in carelessness because we are taught as African women to uphold family honor and be patient even when it kills your mental, physical and emotional health. We take all the abuse ad “die heroes”.

Who started this narrative?

“That is how marriage is” seems to mean take everything thrown at you. Do you think Christ was stupid to die on the cross or when he said “if you burn marry but being alone is better” Did he build the institution on spite or you think he was drunk to preach love, love in Corinthians.

Why do we prefer to return home in coffins when we left in heels and makeup just at the expense of abuse? Don’t we love ourselves just enough!

Normal men that were groomed well, speak up! Don’t let this eat us all up because of few that were probably broken as young men

Do the church vows need to be revised from “till death do us part” because we shall really die?

My heart is bleeding yet I didn’t even know her in person. Rest in peace Violet Kakai

The other halves

When he went to the bathroom, she palmed her face “what have i done?. I have taken a one way ticket with a man i don’t love but convinced i will grow to love.”

Two days ago Anna got married to Paul the Paul she grew up with. Her house was two locks from his and they spent most of their childhood together. Their parents were convinced that they were perfect for each other. They had both been in different relationships growing up and Anna knew how much of a heart breaker he was. He wasn’t even attracted to her body, even as an adolescent there are times they shared a bed and he would just close his eyes each time she pulled off her shirt before him.

He was into Skinny girls , and Damn” her hips were flying and her tinny waist could barely hold it together. Yusuf liked her. He was attracted to everything about her and she loved being in his company but her father would never approve of him because he was not christian. After many attempts trying to convince the mother about religion, she failed and in secret they dated. Paul knew about Liam but also he was convinced she was his.

Now, she is seated on the bed of her honeymoon suit wondering if she made the right choice or could have eloped.

lets pour us some wine. Paul said as he walked to the tray that held it. I know we aren’t in love, she turned to him as he held out the glass before her.

Paul, i thought you were in love with me?

No, i was in love with the idea of you and i was just selfish to have you have another. I love Bree, the girl from school but just like your parents, mine wouldn’t have it either so, here is the deal. Can we be in an open relationship. We can have sex if you like, we can have a baby or two but we can see the others we really like. Yusuf is Moslem and not married yet, he might not mind finally having you. But Never get caught and Never sleep out of home. Also never bring our other halves of this equation to this our home. We should act married in public and family gatherings because technically we are. We can discuss other things like finances when you are up for it. He sipped his wine and sat in the chair in the corner of the room. His grey sweatpants revealing a bit so much that besides what he just said, she wants to have him.

Before i respond, as your wife, i demand to have some of that, pointing to the bulge in his pants. He gave her a sly smile and motioned her to come close. He took her right their on the chair. Feeling him inside her scattered lots of emotions. and when they were done she asked. In-case i fall in love with all this along the way, am i allowed to suggest a real marriage without the other halves?

Looking at her from the corner of his eyes, drew her close and said. Yes, my love because I’m not letting this go.


i can’t remember the last time i felt a man’s hands play piano with my spine spine
neither do i remember the last time the tambourine on my waist shook
90 days feels like a year
i think i have forgotten how to tongue twist
and donate titles they don’t deserve
does it feel good?…
No. because the moment he walked through the door i knew it was like the last time
zero worship, straight to sermon
hit it, hit the shower and go home
then i am once again stuck in my bed
hugging my knees and eating candy
planning on the next movie
preparing to laugh to myself
because shit! i am empty!

Akashaka ka Rukundo

If you were having tea with me…

Beaton taught me the line

I would seat you by the window

Let you smell the flowers at my table

Or just hand you a book

If you were having tea with me,

I would tell you about the pot I poured from

It’s my grandmas pot

But she has been gone a few years

She fenced her farm with a sweet herb

We called it a herb of love

Akashaka ka rukundo

If you were having tea with me

I would let you inhale the aroma

before I pour into your cup.

I would tell you that on many occasions

My food is spiced with love.

At the table I dined,

We held hands and said the grace

We shared smiles and tears

We spoke and learnt

If you were having a cup of tea with me

I would lead you to my fireplace

The place that holds my heart

A place that has heard many stories

I would throw you a shawl.

And tell you of the recipes that place has birthed

If you were pouring from my pot

I would tell you,

My grandma grew rosemary anywhere

It fenced the farm

It gated her home

I would tell you that without it a meal was incomplete

Now you would know that it’s a herb of love

It protected her house as much as her farm

It brought her family together and gave them warmth

And today as we drink from my pot

Of freshly brewed love

I tell you of the lessons my grandma taught me

I share my heart

I let you know that rosemary was her herb of love

And now it’s my herb

Akashaka kangye k’arunkundo

Because she didn’t know the English name

She called it love.

By sunset

being in a relationship won’t cure your loneliness
riding on the horseback into a sunset of a marriage wont cure your sadness
we win some and lose some
because love as it is doesn’t guarantee happiness

how can you be mad if you don’t remember?
to forgive is not always to forget
so stop making excuses because the hug is warm,
the sex is good,
and the heart wants what it wants
don’t ride into a sunset of a marriage because
at dawn the tears will flow
the ache will return
the thumping will be loud
darkness will cloud you
but don’t say,
i was blind.
And don’t blame love

josh applegate

why are you accepting his ring when you haven’t forgotten
why is he on one knee when you both didn’t heal
did i hear love
are you God!
are you insane?
well when the sunrises, we shall be dressed in purple
with hankies and hymn books
silently crying at the church pews
our hearts grieving
his back being patted by another not you
and by sunset, you will be lowered
At sunrise we will walk the streets like nothing ever happened.

the pavement

the pavement
of secret places
where the secrets get buried and thoughts are birthed
the only space that has strong winds, strong enough to blow tears down the chin
the place with power to tell on her but she is glad its just concrete
a none living thing full of life
they argue and fight
but also make peace and laugh.
She sat again today, in the same spot i see her often for the last couple of years
her knees to her chin and eyes bent
maybe half closed
she hardly hears the hooting of the cars
nor the yell of the traffic officer.
She was drenched by the rains but also she enjoyed it, because today she cried.
she needed it
she looked lost
but each time she stands up from their, she looks refueled
i wonder what conversations they have
Its her secret place
i wanted to walk up to her to ask
why not her pillow or bathroom,
why not ink, paint or maybe a human. She could drown in music or prayer
but the rains ,before i knew, she was gone

It was the Thorns

i saw your beauty

from afar your eyes shone and your hair glowed

the smile as bright as the moon

autumn had nothing on you

but as i drew closer to you

getting to know you

to inhale your scent and hold you

i saw the spikes

just as i laid out my palm

there was no wither

just dew drops and the Thorns

It was the Thorns

They scared me but also they puzzled me

i still laid out my palm,

your tongue sliced

and your hands pricked

and right here i sit at the bench

watching the sunset in your eyes from afar

I see how cold you have become

What is in a name?

I know you must have read this title before but then i hadn’t yet become a Mrs. Now that i am one i want to tell you about a few findings that still puzzle me


So, back in the day i was addressed as the person pleased and i didn’t mind. Its not like i mind now but it surprises me that in African society Marriage comes with status, a demeanor and a different “aura” of respect.

Yesterday i was signing some papers and i had to Use my husband’s name. Yes i have not legally changed my name as yet …(i think one day i will) but depending on environment or situation i use it. My National ID has my birth names so i still dread the whole mess of changing because just replacing my ID took a year or running around with details the system already had. Anyway, When the guy looked at my fingers (i had spoken to him on phone) but in person after analyzing me, his tone changed. Then i noticed, how everyone in my space looked at me different after the wedding. Marriage comes with maturity , i don’t know about cohabitation.

I respond to all my names now, Some people especially in-laws and few friends address me by my Husband’s name since marriage. My Family uses everything as they please and few of others still call me Kadali like nothing happened(i love these more) They do acknowledged that i am married and know boundaries not to cross but then still know I’m same old person, few changes because i no-longer sleep alone or cant just party fwaa..i need to plan (i was never spontaneous all the same.) But of course now i have to communicate because i have people involved that depend on me.

My point of writing. One person asked me why i wasn’t proud because my ID didn’t read my husbands name. I asked them what difference it makes, she said “a lot”. But i had already introduced myself as a Mrs with the name the papers i hold still walk by. She wasn’t pleased at all hmmm. I’m very proud being my husband’s wife and my Daughters’ mother. so don’t be mistaken. And i am proud of his name.

I also learned that some jobs require one to be married they don’t employ singles or marrieds in the organization are awarded some kind of respect and addressed different. Even the table of “men” looks at them different

So i have learned to go by Mrs. S.A.B in speech and when questioned about the B, I have to explain i haven’t yet legally changed even when by “Status” i have and i use it.

Is it a must to legally take on the name?

What is in a name?

Everything . I was reading on this site and the Author said. Everything is in a name

i guess there’s much more to the legacy it carries or may carry than just being called or its meaning.

Hey, i’m Mrs S.A. B.


Are you married?

Are you using his name?

Do you face these kind of people?

Grief the thief

I was thinking of coming home today. Suddenly my head rushed to presidents house and I was excited to come see you and tell you of our progress then grief that silly thing hit.

I forgot you are gone. Maybe that is what love does, never lets you forget. My thoughts still speak to me of you like you are still here. But this kinda heartache I feel even in my bones.

It will heal, someday but also maybe I need patience. I know it will get better,I will be fine but just not today. Maybe not soon.

I was smiling telling Nations of you and boom, stupid grief paused our moment for a few. Maybe grief is the price we pay for love. But also these are just my maybes.

I think I will miss you forever , like the stars miss the ☀️. Time only can tell.

I still do cry when I miss you. Sometimes I cry out of the blu….I can only hope

The day of this pic, you were “happy”.You said you wanted a full pic if you were to get an ID and no you still didn’t register.

All I have is my heart and in Thea I shall live with you.

Months gone but feels like yesterday!

Fuck grief

Fuck death

Fuck pain.

If love could have saved you