“This isn’t meant to be your place.” He said bluntly not even strong enough to stare at her. She was willing to drop her life and leave her town for his but well I guess it wasn’t going to happen.
‘So do you want to have your ring back’ she had promised him the day he placed the promise ring on her finger that if it never worked she would at least make sure she didn’t throw the ring or just keep it but return it. But also she had said it in mockery. She didn’t think he would gladly approve. He laid out his palm and said “well, this is the stop and I don’t think u will be needing it”. She didn’t cry and somehow wasn’t so shocked. She had gone to see him and share other information but she suddenly couldn’t cry or even share the news. She dropped what she had gone for and politely asked him to drop her off at the bus station. She wanted to say something but her head was a stadium all over a sudden. She got off and headed for the bus.
He paid her fare..yes not sure if it was courtesy or he wasn’t sure of everything he had said earlier. She got a seat by the window and just when she was wondering if she should cry or not, thea he was rushing her off the bus just before it started to move.
‘What is it?
What is wrong?
“Well I won’t allow u leave just yet. Not tonite. Maybe tomorrow morning. She was puzzled a few hours ago he said they were done and his part of town wasn’t meant for her and he was going back to his baby mama because he wanted to raise his kid right. In a unified family of no steps and confusion. A baby mama she only had of and a son she loved even with just having seen pictures of him over the years…some times she believed none of these existed but she still kept silent and kept it going.
She was now off the bus with the same man. . (Why did she even allow)..he drove her to hotel where he checked her in and told her he would pick her up for he was going home to his baby mama. The moon was rising..she just ordered food and took a bath and while she was settling in to watch news and text a couple of people….thea was a knock at the door.
It was him again 2 hours later and he was now going to spend the night with her. Part of her rejoiced, part of her was confused. She was tired. It had been this kind of play for months. Her heart was tired. But she stayed they made love. She shared her not so exciting news just before they slept off.
Morning was here and she had to go. She showered and they both went down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. He drove her to the station again and she asked whether she was getting her ring back. The response was a quick No. Unthought through probably
She asked again a couple of hours later before she took the bus and it was the same No. He paid the fare and this time she was gone. Still by the window she sat. Lost in thoughts the whole journey. She pulled out a pencil and note pad and recorded the events. She evaluated and it’s this day that she left even when she kept going back when the invites came. Still cared so much, called and still said I love you to no response, took time to make unrefined calls and drove to visit a hall of emptiness. Maybe hoping something would wake up…
She had left that day after so many stories, stand ups, dropped calls, not feeling appreciated, being asked why she stays.
Even when she still burnt with love
She left because the emptiness, the hurt…it all wasn’t more like what she was meant to feel.
She had been gone a whole year before he got to realise.
When love starts to hurt..it stings and stinks. It’s no longer love..It’s loneliness demanding, it’s depression, it’s not feeling good enough for anything else.
she had stars in her eyes and dreams in her heart
tears at midnight and Jameson in a glass.
She had thoughts and a cigarette in hand
she had a vision but he destroyed it
made her feel worthless and empty
The light had dimmed
I stood across the street every day
watching her from my window
hoping one day I could share her pain.
I had dreams but I didn’t have her
I started to pursue her,
I lit a wild-fire around me but didn’t allow it to touch her
and today, for the first time in 8 months, i saw her smile
I have waited so long to see this smile.
I wear her like a crown
one I don’t intend to let down
nor give it up without a fight
he came dressed like an angel
a white tunic with a pair of wings on his back
his speech tasted like cinnamon tea
and her broken self need some soothing
he strummed her to sleep every night
humming soothing hymns and telling inspirational bed time stories
he made her feel like she wasnt broken
yet he only patched a discoloured cloth everywhere she was wounded
and applied ailment on her bruises
his speech made her up
that you wouldn’t recognise her until u sat long hours over ginger tea
she learnt to tell herself she was okay
occasionally referencing to his speech
But then, How does God let such a broken human lay in hands of such a deceitful man?
did he even have a say in this or it was her will over his?
was she in a rush to feel comfortable?
was she running away from pain?
couldnt she just let time heal her?
Now she sits down outside the gate f his house. With holes all over her body,
bruises all over her skin and an arrested speech.
she doesn’t even feel worthy sitting out to tea by herself
and is ashamed of going home.
at the end, she had sought for a man, one that would stand in the gap, love her like she is, take time to have her heal. To make up the hedge and stand in the gap that she wont be destroyed. And she found none
Once in months maybe years he lit up her life
the rest of the days were full of darkness and shadows
She called him a shooting star
Each time she saw him,
she made just one wish, ( i wish he could stay)
he was a full moon maybe
for sometimes he stayed abit longer than other days.
She missed him
But also wanted to see the sunshine in her mothers eyes
all she ever said to kindergatern friends when they talked about dads was,
“my dad is a passenger.”
sometimes the sky cries night after night
sometimes the cold hugs me, evening after evening
I sit in hope the sun will come out
I stay awake in hope i will hear you when u decide to come home
but then night after night
my loneliness itches
my love feeds on me
thoughts preoccupy myself
night after night I soak my pillow
a lot has happened since you left
my cheeks need no contouring,
my body needs no gym
you absence has done great making me a size 4
I don’t feel it
am not sure if it’s still inside or you left with it
am not sure my blood pumps because even when the sun is out i am covered in blankets
do I still go to the mall?
no. am afraid they will ask why you didn’t come
so I am waiting on you
nothing has changed but
I still make dinner for two
wear my twin shirt on Fridays
and watch all the ball games on tv.
I still listen to your fav music and make you best dish every Wednesday
Am I lost?
No. My hope is frail
my breath is fleeting.
winter is no match for the warmth of love,she had said
the roar of the sea waves,
wrecking of the boats.
She didn’t think she would see him again
yet she still couldn’t stand in the rain
covered in his shawl
she sat at the fire place
later she wrote;
“sometimes love is frozen another its as hot as cinder
Every season has its impact”.
soon as she had penned down,
long after the sun had refused to shine,
she had him breathe at the door.