Dear Heart

I have found love Ahhh don’t misunderstand, yes you gave me love even when all I needed was a punch. But just that now, I know how to love expecting …

Murder,she Baked.5

He didn’t care to explain or say a word. He just walked off.  she silently ate her breakfast deep in thought. Wondering how else she will handle this. Was it the wrong approach?. While she cleaned the dishes, he came out, he was leaving. “am out. Will be home for dinner.” She nodded and turned her attention back to the dishes. She thought through divorce even when she knew that no one would support her neither would he allow to sign the papers because he had a reputation to maintain.  She thought through just walking out, denying him sex because she was no longer sure of her safety. “this sounds like a plan,” she said out loud.

She went about her day as usual, talked with her new maid, made sure they bound with Celine. Mark would be returning soon. But for a while as they watched cartoons, she forgot about her problems but just only for a while until they were preparing dinner when her former maid came in. the gate man came running…. “mama Celine, Naki ali ku gate”. she went out to see what Naki had come to do. She looked tired, with her stomach protruding through her thin blouse. She carried a suitcase. Mama Celine stood at the door her arms akimbo waiting on her to speak. Naki placed her suitcase down from her head. She looked weary, her eyes swollen like she had been crying. “my mother has told me to come back. (her husband hooted and the gate man rushed to let him in) she can’t afford to take care of me while the one in charge of the pregnancy does nothing“. Soon as she finished the statement, mama Celine collapsed. Naki stared helplessly at her, the gate man ran over to help. The husband didn’t even turn off the engine, jumped out and carried her into the car straight to hospital.

At the hospital first aid was done. Mayor handled the bill, She was put on a 2 days bed rest and she requested to do it at the hospital. she was afraid of returning home to her life. The mayor had to call her sister to stay with her as he went home. He found Naki waiting on her and when she explained her ordeal, he told her to abort. “Are you mad? How do I abort a foetus this old?Am not leaving here until u find a better plan. She Exclaimed and sat at the veranda. He told her he would sent help, let her return to her mothers but she declined so he had to figure out another way. He asked her to stay in the quarters until he figures out a plan but he knew that he had to figure it out before his wife was dismissed. He went in up to his bedroom and kept pacing,called up a few friends and one suggested he gets her a one room rental, pays the whole year for it. Gives her some money and that’s it until further notice. He stormed out. Told her to carry her bags, called a few other people, a house was provided. A Self contained one room, he made immediate payment took her shopping for few things and gave her pocket change of 500k. One problem solved, he exhaled.

She-Tired

Her heart on fire

her soul weak

yet the mind keeps pacing

she holds back tears with her smile

recites “all is well” like a reggae hit

her voice soft yet her speech affirming

she knows she will get through it

but she Tires,

Tires from putting other first

yet she doesn’t know how to put her first

She tires of defending herself

she tires from the sorry refrain

yet she has to keep going

today she wants to sleep

long enough not to think

quiet enough not to have to speak

at a deserted place

Just for one or two days

she wants to reboot

I’m Not Okay!

I’m not okay
I have simply mastered the art
The art of smiling when my heart aches,
The art of holding my head high,
Simply to give hope to those around me,
The art of not shedding tears in public
Not because I am strong
I am a coward
I am not okay
I am empty
I am broken
I am a mess

She lay down on my laps
For once she allowed her tears to freely flow
She sniffed and coughed
She choked under her breath
She said:

See, it all happened too fast. And now I have nothing left but only to believe.
See, sometimes I need a hug but am afraid they will ask if I am okay
I’ll respond yes I am even when my veins are crashing.
I have mastered the art of walking through fire
See, sometimes I want to scream and live a little
But they will always ask, why? Or wonder if am fine.
I can’t express myself freely because society has shaped that part of me.
See, sometimes I want to play in the rain
Not because I missed a step, it makes me feel alive
But I have been locked down in this shadow am trying to break free from.
I am trying to learn how to live again.
Its only right here that I don’t feel judged
Allow me soak your shoulder in tears
Allow me scream in your presence
Allow my test drive my wings
Because its only in this compound that I feel alive

AWAKENED #UgBlogWeek (6)

Her soul was too deep to explore by those who swam in shallow end

but somehow he swam too dep,

explored the bottom of her see slowly

made her feel human amongst mermaids

like some kind high power,

he ruled over her entir being

but then she realised…

she had suffered a speech seasoned with likes,

kissed lips dressed in love and topped by pride and filth

she hugged her emptiness every night

muttered regrets

fierceness and tenderness under the same breath

he never for once made her feel good enough

did he think she was?

or did she loose her worth along the street?

she doubted her tears when they fell

until she heard the wind whisper….

“you dont need tha kind of love”

she awoke!

NEW BEGINNING

“this is where i will start my come back. i will waste no time questioning God…(sigh) its hard but, here i am”

He left home like any other day after they said their morning devotion. He left and said he wont be back till the next day. “drive safe,” she called out. Least did she know.

At exactly 4am a call came through. ‘Hello, madam the owner of this phone had just had a fatal accident and has died on spot’. The Unfamiliar voice from the other side of the phone said. Frozen, she looked down at her phone and and her one month old baby. A knock at the door came through and she rushed hoping it was her husband but it was her auntie. Samalie…she  called out stretching her arms to embrace her, and then She collapsed in her chest.

She cried till her knees couldn’t support her legs. ‘God, i have only been married 7 months with a baby too young to even recall his face, why today, why now’. Her auntie holding her closely, they sat at the floor of her two roomed house. The neighbors were awoken by the loud weeping and rushed to see what had happened.

“My husband is dead” she said raising her hands helplessly to the sky. The hands that were always lifted in worship and stretched out to his hug. the neighbors sympathizing with her, comforted her and helped her plan and prepare. The old women of the village advised and burial plans were made. Her in laws rushed to hospital to pick his remains and head to the burial place.

Her speech smooth, they feared she wont make it the next day. She stood strong and bold talking about her late husband but their fears came to pass when his body was descended down. She collapsed. Her son was baptized on the same day but she didn’t see it all. She lay helpless on the floor. Few minutes later she regained consciousness and sat in wait.

I am starting all over,i have to be strong for my son. am going to face this world and fight till my last drop of sweat. Son, i am going to make you and daddy proud. Tomorrow the sun wont refuse to shine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He Maintains My Lot

He ran through my mind for a couple of nights

and stayed for quite a while

Well for the while he was their,

I wondered if i had become numb,

paralyzed or just immune

had it hurt so much the past few years that i actually forgot what it is like to hurt?

All the same i think i am doing fine just where i am.

Last month you asked how i was doing,

well, I am glad to say that

‘He maintains my lot’.

My cup is overflowing so i can’t say that i am not full.

My empty cup now runs over with the same Oil i poured at his feet,

A thicker glory than the one you last saw on my head,

I wear a purer scent than the last one that defined my brokenness,

My submission has grown.

My Silence maybe deafening,

but pain and i, are divorced.